Happy New Year!!!

Wow, can't believe 2011 is over with! Half of me feels like it's flown by while the other half can't remember all the things I did this year and some I even accomplished.

Reflecting on the previous year in chronological order is always a way to see the changes I did make or any regression I may need to get a grip on in the coming year.

After all, according to Socrates "an unexamined life is not worth living." To which I completely agree.

I always want to make sure I like the person I am. And to be the best ME! A very smart lady once told me to be the "Whitneyest Whitney you can be."

Sounds simple. To just be YOU. The YOU God made YOU to be in this world, FOR this world. But the world continually tries to mold us, tell us reasons why to not to like ourselves, and ultimately keep us away from God.

At the end of the day (and now year) I want to like most of my actions and choices. To make sure most if not all (if that was humanly possible) are pleasing to God.

So I digress, and look back on the last year with excitement to be closing it to start a new one and with happiness and SUCH appreciation for HOW God's grace is truly sufficient for me. Sometimes I'm more bewildered of this sweet truth than anything. I am so glad to have a sweet Father in Heaven who loves me as much as He does. And WAY MORE TIMES THAN NOT gives me what I don't deserve rather than what I do. Grace. And pure mercy. I am so blessed by this alone.

Without further ado, My Highlights of 2011:

At this exact time last year I was given some information that ripped my heart WIDE open and hurt like it did when the first man in my life left my everyday life. I felt rejected once again by another man I loved. BUT as soon as I left that Buckhead condo I went straight to the gym, crying my eyes out the whole way, jumped on a treadmill and ran. And I ran and ran and ran until I ran my first 10K (6.2 mile) race in Athens, GA on February 19th. Boy was it a challenge, but I never felt so proud in my life. I did that for me, and that in itself is a rarity for me. And I'm still running. For me.

I was given a sister. All my life I was the only girl in my family, and surrounded by 3 boys. To say I loved growing up this way is an understatement. I revel in the memories that growing up surrounded by testosterone ensured. Climbing magnolia trees, playing football barefoot in the rain at night, getting hit in the head with a 100 yrd drive of a golf ball- not so fond a memory... always having boys scared to pick on me on the bus, playground, church, etc because they KNEW who my brothers were, and many, many more.

Plus having older brothers was like a direct line into a guy's thoughts on girls. I learned a lot. I was loved a lot. I was protected.

But there was always a longing for an older sister. To teach me style, how to apply makeup, to show me how to become a respectable lady. I often became super attached to Chris and Van's girlfriends but one by one they left. And they weren't the best examples of how to be a lady, with exception of a few...

Anyways, this year God gave me the older sister I always wanted. And the best one imaginable. Couldn't have picked a better one myself! And she was in my family all along. My cousin, Sherri! She is the best example to me of how a young, chic, beautiful, fit, CHRISTIAN wife and mother walks and talks. How she treats others. How she seeks God. How she loves her husband and daughter. God has used her and her family as examples and encouragers to my faith, walk, and growth in my relationship with Christ. Along with this she has been my confidante. She cares about my life- dating, school, work, etc. And she gives the best advice regarding them all, especially the dating part! She's the true words I need to hear! Along with her I received another big brother in her husband, a godly man who tells me how a godly man should treat me! And shows me by how he treats Sherri! And they have the sweetest little girl who blesses my heart every time I get to babysit her. At 2, this little ray of sunshine SAYS her prayers at night before bed, always ending in "in his precious name we pray. Amen." Talk about heart melting! She also wants whoever tucks her in at night to sing Amazing Grace. It's such a blessing. And she's just the cutest little thing who can "call the DAWGS!" And calls me Mitney. And squeals when she's excited! This family has become mine and they have been my sunshine through the heaviness my job has been this year.

Which leads me here. In August I was graciously given the opportunity to become a nanny to 3 kids- 8, 7, and 5. They are energetic, fun, spirited, active, (see the pattern? They keep me busy!) social butterflies who I have thoroughly enjoyed the past 5 months! Sadly, though, their little hearts are going through a lot. Their beautiful, amazing, young, fighter of a woman, mother is battling terminal cancer. And they, of course, are feeling all the pangs that come with this terrible disease. But don't get me wrong, they are tough. But they are also innocent YOUNG children dealing with the toughest thing one can possibly fathom. The unimaginable. The terrifying. The paralyzing... Daily fear of losing their mother. This experience has been tough on me as well. Much stress and tears, sadness, questioning my God, prayers, and every other emotion known to man has been seen and shared between each of us.

And through it all, it has been a blessing! God has shown me how to appreciate EVERY SINGLE DAY! He (God) has provided joy in appreciating I AM ALIVE. AND WELL! And I have a God who loves and provides MY every need. What more could I ask for?! Nothing. And all God asks of me is to LOVE the ones in my life NOW! So I faithfully, will. And I will love loving every person I come in contact with every second of every day. Just like Jesus did. Like He still does. Starting with....

My mom. The single person who loves me with all of her heart. Who would give and do anything for me! And she pretty much has! I will show her every day how much I love and appreciate her.

My brothers. My best friends who know every thing about me. Who have been fathers to me my whole life, too. I am so grateful and blessed.

My friends who put up with Whitney every day of the year, through the Joey troubles of the latter years, the daddy troubles, too, and the insecurities that came with both. My friends see the best in me when I see the worst. They are my family and my support system.

My cousin Sherri, her husband John, and their daughter (my sweet cousin) Ally Grace.

And those three kids whom I love more than I could ever have imagined. They force me to take myself less seriously and to enjoy every moment. They challenge my patience and my tact. But I've never loved so deeply as I love them. I hope in 2012 I can continue to be strong for them and continue to show them so much love.

And last but certainly NOT least my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who reveals Himself to me in many ways every day. He pulls my heart to Him when I want to run after the world. He is the truest gift and blessing of all. To me daily. His grace, love, and mercy. I have been changed. My heart has been healed. And I hope to continue growing to know Him better and can't wait to see all He has in the future for me. How he can use my life to shine for Him.

Happy New Years, y'all! Hope when you look back at 2011 it brings to you more smiles than tears, unless they are tears of joy! To 2012! Woo hoo! I have a good feeling about this year!!

Beware: the next post will be all resolutions! ;)

Love always,
Whitney

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness."
Proverbs 31:25-26 (Who I continually pray to become)

Day 2.

Hi loves! I hope you have read my first post and didn't find it too tiring or wander too deep in my old posts to not return today. Or maybe you did but came back any way because you want to know the title to this dang book. Or maybe you just want to see if I do in fact "change because of this God I am talking about."

Either way, I am glad you are back.

I have to say my heart is so heavy to continually draw closer to God that I keep buying book after book to continually draw closer to Him. And God really just told my sweet heart to slow down and take one concept at a time.

Because He knows that is just my speed. I am all or nothing. 100% or 0. Black or white. Passionate or over it. He did make me this way, that is why I know it is He who says, "Whitney, as much as I admire the passion I ignite in you, slow down, baby girl. You CAN'T learn it all at once."

And rightly so. Before I can truly GET what He is showing me and practice it, I am on to the next lesson. He is teaching me to LOVE the process, not just the POINT. Or the end result. But instead the whole, sweet ride.

So let me just tell you sweet ones that I have read the book of my life... but if YOU know ME... You have heard it before.... so let me rephrase... Wild at Heart was once the life changer.... as well as Captivating... as well as The Grace of God... which I highly suggest each of you to read... but for now... So Long, Insecurity is the life changer.

Did you just gasp? Did you just say, "Oh no she didn't?" Oh yes ma'am and sir I did. Half of you are probably thinking, Whitney? Insecure? The talkative, loud, presense that she is? And the other half are thinking... I knew her loud, talkative presense was a cover up all along!

But what if I told you... and please forgive me, that WE ALL suffer from Insecurity. Would you hate me? Not believe me? Will you at least hear me out?

By definition, Insecurity in its purest form means, not secure. I'm sure you wouldn't have figured that one out on your own. Wink, wink.

But seriously, Insecurity, anything that makes us feel not secure. Not sure.

Come to think of it a lot of things make me feel un sure. Not secure.

This economy for one. How am I supposed to get a job after graduating?
This sex-crazed society. How am I one day suppose to raise innocent little girls and honest young boys who will not value themselves on their sexuality but in God alone?
My future. Will I ever find the one? Will I have the sweet, Godly, manly, sexy, tall, husband I so dream about? Will I get married? Have a good job? Have healthy children?
Myself. (That's the most NOT secure part of us all, I believe.) Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Thin enough? Smart enough? Godly enough? Southern-bell enough? Will I be a good wife? A good mother? Am I a good friend? A good daughter? A good sister? And so on and so forth... and the many more You and I feel on a daily basis.

Insecurity looks pretty normal, right about now, huh? Pretty staple in our lives. But what if Insecurity doesn't have to. What if we didn't wake up in the morning questioning ourselves, our future, our jobs, our passions, our self esteems.... What if we could just be secure.

Well, that is exactly what this book is about. BUT. First you must admit it happens to you. You don't have to be a basket case, or not worry about your looks, or not worry about your future husband for it NOT to affect you.

Just keep with me, love....

According to So Long, Insecurity, "Insecurity refers to a pround sense of self-doubt- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."

That being said, "Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism."

You can be insecure and still be confident AND self-conscious. Most of the time we are confident because at the time we feel better than those around us when we compare ourselves to them as we are self-conscious. Do we look better? Do we have it together better? Is our car better? Is our job better? Is our boyfriend/girlfriend better looking? Is our family "better"? You can keep on going....

And when we don't feel we are "better" in those areas we feel less than, or NOT secure. So what do we turn to? Perfectionism. What we can "control". Our diets, our workouts, our jobs, our educations, or intelligence. Our clothes. Our shoes. Our cars. Our friends. Our boyfriends/girlfriends. Keep going....

All to make us "secure." "Sure." But, does it really? Or even better, is that security lasting? Let's just be honest with ourselves. How many times has having a good looking boyfriend made us feel prettier, skinnier, healthier, sexier? Maybe momentarily. But usually we want to work out more, eat better, buy better clothes, prove we deserve them. He doesn't secure us. How about a job? Or money in the bank? Or a new outfit? Do we feel just right, no insecurities just because we have these things? No. Never. At least not for long. And especially not forever.

Look, I don't want to over simplify this subject because it IS deep. And messy. And comes from our past losses, disappointments, parents, situations, relationships, etc, etc, etc. We have all been hit in many different ways. I just wanted to confront this issue. And I wanted to once again show that only the One can give us ETERNAL security... NOW and FOREVER. How? He tells us how. And He has certainly shown us how.

But first. If this insecurity comes from our past why is it in our present? And future?

Our Insecurity comes from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that we aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, enough enough for a husband, a job, a family, a _______ (fill in the blank.) Fear that our past will repeat itself. Or worse. Or that our present will be our future.

But this is what He says. Our God. Our father.

He says that He will:

perfect everything that concerns you (Psalm 138:8)
work all things together for your good (Romans 8:28)
contend with those who contend with you (Isaiah 49:25)
fight this battle for you (2 Chronicles 20:15)
equip you with devine power (2 Corinthians 10:4)
delight to show you mercy (Micah 7:18)
meet all your needs according to My glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19)
give you grace that is perfectly sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9)
be your power in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)

AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE:

do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within you (Ephesians 3:20)

And what does he ask of us?

To delight ourselves in the Lord. (Psalm 37:4)
To not fear. (Isaiah 41:10)
To wait on the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)

I hope you are not overwhelmed. Or confused. Or think I have just made a tremendous simplicity out of true insecurity that you have tried to diet away from, run away from, buy away from, date away from, marry away from, etc... because we each have our own story of how this crazy, ugly, life has made us NOT secure. Not sure. Scared. I KNOW I HAVE. YOU KNOW I HAVE. And we both know you have, too. We are human. Life has rocked us to the core. Surprised us. Scared us. So we tried or still try to take control. But, control is not ours. And who wants to try to control this crazy world, anyway? When someone WANTS to take all of our burdens, worries, fear, sadness, past, present, and future and GIVE US IMMEASURABLY MORE! Hallelujah!

But what I have done here is given you ONLY the beginning of the book. And the end. That life has given us all insecurities and that God promises He will do EVERYTHING in HIS power, which is bigger and greater than anything we can imagine and greater than anything that exists to get us through it, to fight it for us, to keep us from it, to be there with us, and so on and so forth. He already said He would. He already has. He is. And He will. All we have to do is give it to Him. Which is FAR easier said than done. But it is sure doable!

Please, please, please... if you are reading this, buy the book. Guy or girl. She interviewed LOTS of guys and girls, men and women, Christian and NOT, single and married, divorced, sad, depressed, happy, loved, miserable.... from every possible background and who has made every possible mistake and who has had life shaft them.

If you don't want to buy it, I will buy it for you. I will Amazon a used copy to you before you even can say please. Why? Because I love you. Because I want you to be secure. I want you to not look at your neighbor who is prettier, has more money, has a husband, a baby, a nice car, a big bank account and hate her. And even more, I don't want you hating yourself. I want you waking up in the morning knowing that no matter what your dress size is... a 0 or 16... that you are secure. You are enough. That God is enough. You don't need anything else. He is always enough. He is constant through the happy times, the sad times, the downright ugly, bad, lonely, single, misunderstood, WHATEVER times. That you know He will fight for you, hold you up, love you, be right beside you, and most importantly wants the BEST for you and will give you IMMEASURABLY more than you can imagine or ask for. All you have to do is put your trust in Him. And believe. And stop trying to find security in things or people in this world. In beauty. In money. In relationships. Only God.

Until then. Buy the book. So long, Insecurity. By Beth Moore.

And if you don't... please know I am praying for your security every day. Along with mine. It is a constant seeking to keep our eyes on God and NOT things of this world that will "make us look, feel, be... better."

Just let me know you are reading this and know your name will be specifically prayed for. If not, I lift up all my family, friends, acquaintances, and blog readers, and anyone and everyone because we all do... need God.

God has changed my heart because people have been praying for me since I was a child. And He has changed my heart not because of a book I have read. Or church I have attended. But because His grace found me exactly where I was. Like it will find you. Just call out to Him. Tell Him you need Him. We all do. It's not about weakness. We are made to need Him. Every.One.Of.Us. Like it or not. He made us that way. But if you read this and you feel a desire to buy this book, please do. It can change your life. Your heart. If not, stay tuned. I will keep inspiring, I hope. Through God's word and GRACE for me.

"We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Love always,
Whitney

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness." (Who I want to be)

Proverbs 31:25-26

Almost a year has passed....

And after reading my old posts I feel like I was THAT Whitney a LOT longer than a YEAR ago! Lord have mercy He does change us. And I am so thankful!

In the 10 months since my last post I have: a different roommate whom I love and adore. I have a new job that has it's completely different stressors but is so rewarding and I love and cherish with my whole heart. I have a new small group of girls I adore and can't wait to get to know each of them so much more. I have more mature relationships. I have let go of the distructive relationship that ran rampant in most of my posts from last year. I have new friendships that help me grow in the Lord and I can share verses and my inmost desires with daily. But most importantly, I have a PERSONAL, DAILY, nearly CONSTANT and CONVERSATIONAL relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Yes, I was a Christian 10 months ago. Yes, I loved the Lord. But looking back, I can see how much I have GROWN in my relationship with Him. How much my outlook has drastically changed. How my thoughts are not at all the same. My heart and desires are completely different. I barely recognize the old me... oh but with sweet aches in my heart I do know that I was and still am that same girl I was 10 months ago. Because scars heal but they don't go away. And as I am about to share with the newest insight from a book I have read we should thank God those old scars don't go away. For God uses our past hurt. Our pain. And thank the Lord there IS use for our ugly past. And thank God that not only can He use our past, He can heal us from it. And by nothing I have done. By His GRACE alone.

Firstly, I want to say I didn't think I would ever blog again. I was vulnerable and see through and it just didn't feel good. But God has other plans and He often works in mysterious ways. I was at a Christmas party in Madison over the holiday break last week and I was talking to an old Athens, GA roommate and fellow Morgan County graduate I hadn't seen in years. Many of you may know that I post Bible verses nearly every day via Facebook. That is my way to spread God's word, be a witness of Him, and my true and honest hope is that the daily verses will touch someone's heart in some way as it did mine.

I have had great feedback from the verses, much appreciation, and even if that were not the case I will forever post them. Because I know God gave me a heart for others, and He expects me to use it for them and through Him. And I LOVE to.

So anyways, this sweet girl I was catching up with at the Christmas party was not one that had ever "liked" or commented on my verses and truly one I didn't think would ever look twice. Not because I don't think she is a Christian... I actually do believe she is, but I just never would have thought she would have noticed and if she had that she would care.... (that's a whole different lesson Jesus is teaching me... "Do not lean on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5)

But it turns out she did notice and that she was blessed. And she was very happy for me for my relationship with God. She also told me that I should blog. She was pretty insistent on it, actually. And I felt God just a nudging. Because truly I love to talk, write, express... (No way?!) And these days I can't tell enough people how God has changed my heart so much... and He is just getting started... I have a long, LONG ways to go. But what I want this blog to be is an inspiration. Whenever I see something that inspires me... I want to put it here to inspire YOU. I will tell you upfront my inspiration comes straight from the Lord... through his Holy Word, through books from Authors I respect who seek His word, through my daily devotions, friends, loved ones, songs... You name it. I am constantly inspired.

Because I truly believe there is nothing on this planet earth that can fill, heal, or love us like our God can. And I don't blame you if you just rolled your eyes. I have been there, too. Some days I'm still looking for other things to fill voids in my heart, to make me feel good enough, to bring me happiness,.... but from the long history of the Bible and all the people in it to now.... there has only been one person that can... and that is God. The wealthy can tell you money can not and does not always give them security, happiness, and everything. The beautiful, the skinny, the spoiled, the elite, the most popular, and so on.... they will tell you no amount of success or praise can make them filled forever. Everything on earth is fleeting. But our God is constant. All we have to do is seek Him.

Before you call me naive, weak, or think I have lost my ever-loving mind I ask you to do one thing. Just come back. Watch my life. See if you see a difference. See if who I was turns out to be differently than who I am and who I become. See if this faith stays after weeks, months, years. I can't promise any of it. But my God can.

Psalm 112:7-8
They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless
and can face their foes triumphantly.

Proverbs 3:26
for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.


And what I already know is what He has already done for me:

"He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure." Psalm 40:2

And all you have to do to see it is read those old blogs. You probably know the old Whitney. I was destructive... with my heart, my habits, my life. He saved me from it. He pulled me out of my destructive ways in Athens, GA. It's not Athens' fault. It's mine. But He removed me. Then He put my feet on a rock... on His word... on His love.... on His security... and now my life is secure... no matter what happens. The good, the bad, the lonely, the unsure... He is there. This world is ugly... we have all seen it. We have all been hurt by it. But His love is constant. His love will lift us all out of destruction, despair, lonliness, sadness, insecurity, addiction, affliction, lust, WHEREVER WE ARE. And ONLY He can place our feet on secure ground.

I hope through this blog you will witness the ways. I hope you will seek Him in your life. Because God touches everyone completely different. Because we are unique to Him. He made us all individually and special and different and for a purpose He only knows. As I seek Him and know Him more I know I will start seeing who I am in Him. Why he made me. And you can too.

Like I said before, I like to express myself. Whether it be writing, talking, or singing (Bless your heart I can't do it through this blog, because I would!) But, I don't want you coming here looking for inspiration and feel like you are reading a novel when you do decide to stop by here to be inspired and find yourself staying here an hour... I will cut myself off when I feel I have said enough. Tomorrow I will jump into the insight from the book I just tore through like a tornado. I highlighted nearly the whole thing. And when I tell you the title it is either going to scare you or you are going to think "not me." But I beg you to wake up tomorrow with an open heart and open mind as I share with you the book that EVERY. LIVING. BREATHING. PERSON. ON. THIS. PLANET. EARTH. CAN. RELATE. TO. Christian or not. This is human related.

I will share a lot of the book on here. As with anything I post, I hope that it resonates in you. And, as always, I hope you find inspiration.

Love always,
Whitney

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness." Proverbs 31:25-26

Glad this wasn't my New Year's resolution...

Ok... so I am just going to cut to the chase...

It's been two months since I have written on this thing.

Yea, so I wouldn't doubt if anyone even CHECKS to see if it has been updated.... I don't blame you. The "you" that isn't reading this. :)

But I need to get to typing... for myself.... because even though if one of my close friends/family members who were the only ones reading this blog is in fact still interested in my life... you have probably already been updated.... but here I go anyway....

So... this last couple of months has been interesting to say the least. I will start positive.

I have the most amazing family, friends, new girl friends from small group, and new people who have entered my life through babysitting, etc. than I have ever had in my life. I have job security, support, and super meaningful relationships.

For example, just last weekend I spent with my awesome cousin, Sherri. Her husband was with his small group of high school boys he leads at Buckhead Church so Sherri and I had a girl's weekend... filled with chocolate, shopping, and DVR'd shows. And sleep. And talking, sharing, etc. I love her. She may be my new favorite person ever. Kind of like the sister I never had but always wanted. I would definitely pick her to be my older sister. No doubt.

Another positive. I have been running 5-6 miles 3-4 times a week/ spin classes a couple of times a week. I have received a lot of positive comments from friends/family about my changing physique. That has been refreshing. Nice.

And here it goes.... what no one sees but you know I am going to share. You're welcome. In advance. If you don't want to read the next part because A. You have already heard it. B. I don't blame you for not wanting to. C. Here I go anyway.

I am taking a full semester of classes right now. Which I was totally siked about because I am learning my little twinzies native language which they love to speak more than the English Whitney is getting PAID to teach them. SO... I figured learning their language would help me better communicate English to them... I don't know... I am trying my best with all that I have. And learning another language sounds fun. And to be honest French is rather easy to pick up.... also, I am taking two Psychologys that are VERY interesting... Psyc of Interpersonal Relationships and Human Sexuality. Also a Speech Comm class... which comes naturally. SO naturally, I thought I would be all gung ho for this semester....

BUT... to my surprise... it takes all the will power to not drive straight to Virginia Highland and get back in my bed after dropping my little men at their school. Especially since I traded in my after work running schedule to before work... so I am now waking up at 5 am... getting to the gym at 6.... running to 7... getting at the boys house at 7:30.... leaving their house at 8:15.... dropping them off at 8:45.... commuting 85 South during rush hour to downtown ATL to make it to my 9:30 class M-F.... getting out of class at Noon.... picking the boys up at 1....taking them home to nap until 3.... while I cook their dinner and lunch, clean, and iron 2 year old boy clothes (can't for the life of me justify that)... and then teaching them English from 3-5:30, feeding them dinner and leaving at 6:15 to head home exhausted and sometimes depressed.

Then tell myself to do homework? Smile? Whatever... I am tired. Especially because I won't go to bed until after midnight... and do it all over again at 5. Again.

But I have to tell myself this:

If I don't run I will never be able to run 13.1 on March 22nd or April 30th... my two half marathons I'm running.

If I don't go to class, study, do homework, I will never graduate college.

If I don't teach the boys English, clean, cook, IRON, I won't have a job.

And ALL I want is to move to Hawaii and lay on the beach for the rest of my life and through my life dreams of marriage, babies, a white range rover (I did say dream) all away and just have a life of no stress. No bills. No job. No college. No running. (Even though this is the one thing that is keeping me sane and driving me crazy at the same time)

It has been 45 days since I walked out of Joey's condo, blocked his number, started running like it is no body's business. But I still think about him every single agonizing day. I swore I saw him in Starbucks yesterday, it wasn't him. I look in the mirror and hate what I see... this is no woe is me... this is honest me... if it makes you uncomfortable you are obviously not a female... or it makes you sad... just skip over it...

Every day I pray for God's will in my life but I can't seem to give it all to Him. To TRUST him completely with my life. I pray to meet the one he made for me. I try to eat right, work out, be a good Christian, Pray, Love, Smile, Laugh, Breathe, Not eat too much, Not spend too much money, Like myself, Love myself, Get my butt to school, Be the BEST Nanny/friend/2nd mom to the best almost 3 year olds on the planet.... be the best sister/friend/roommate/daughter.... forgive my dad, myself, joey for not treating me half way decent...

And pretend it all comes naturally... the Grace, Energy, Love of Life.

Which is does. Most of the time. I am me. I am happy. I am passionate. I love. I am SO blessed. God's GRACE is more than enough for ME. But I am at a constant battle with the reflection in the mirror... with myself. And sometimes I feel like I hold the answers. And sometimes I feel completely lost. Hopeless.

Maybe God is trying to show me... ONCE AND FOR ALL....... ALL YOU NEED IS ME.

ALL YOU NEED IS ME.

Because everything else isn't cutting it.

He's right.

Don't get me wrong for a second... I LOVE my life and everyone and everything in it. I just want to be happy when I look in the mirror. I want to meet the person God made for me. I want to trust God that His will is perfect. I want to trust myself. Not second guess everything I say, feel, think. I want to STOP thinking about Joey. Stop hoping he would... change. Stop placing everyone's happiness as my happiness. I want to keep running and actually see the changes every one else sees. I want to feel good enough.

There you go. You know me now. I always do this on this blog. Let people know the REAL Whitney. No questions asked. It's weird. I hate when I do it because I feel so see through. But it is nice to let it go. Let it out. Hopefully no one will be too freaked out to see the real Whitney. I give you permission to. It's okay! :)