Glad this wasn't my New Year's resolution...

Ok... so I am just going to cut to the chase...

It's been two months since I have written on this thing.

Yea, so I wouldn't doubt if anyone even CHECKS to see if it has been updated.... I don't blame you. The "you" that isn't reading this. :)

But I need to get to typing... for myself.... because even though if one of my close friends/family members who were the only ones reading this blog is in fact still interested in my life... you have probably already been updated.... but here I go anyway....

So... this last couple of months has been interesting to say the least. I will start positive.

I have the most amazing family, friends, new girl friends from small group, and new people who have entered my life through babysitting, etc. than I have ever had in my life. I have job security, support, and super meaningful relationships.

For example, just last weekend I spent with my awesome cousin, Sherri. Her husband was with his small group of high school boys he leads at Buckhead Church so Sherri and I had a girl's weekend... filled with chocolate, shopping, and DVR'd shows. And sleep. And talking, sharing, etc. I love her. She may be my new favorite person ever. Kind of like the sister I never had but always wanted. I would definitely pick her to be my older sister. No doubt.

Another positive. I have been running 5-6 miles 3-4 times a week/ spin classes a couple of times a week. I have received a lot of positive comments from friends/family about my changing physique. That has been refreshing. Nice.

And here it goes.... what no one sees but you know I am going to share. You're welcome. In advance. If you don't want to read the next part because A. You have already heard it. B. I don't blame you for not wanting to. C. Here I go anyway.

I am taking a full semester of classes right now. Which I was totally siked about because I am learning my little twinzies native language which they love to speak more than the English Whitney is getting PAID to teach them. SO... I figured learning their language would help me better communicate English to them... I don't know... I am trying my best with all that I have. And learning another language sounds fun. And to be honest French is rather easy to pick up.... also, I am taking two Psychologys that are VERY interesting... Psyc of Interpersonal Relationships and Human Sexuality. Also a Speech Comm class... which comes naturally. SO naturally, I thought I would be all gung ho for this semester....

BUT... to my surprise... it takes all the will power to not drive straight to Virginia Highland and get back in my bed after dropping my little men at their school. Especially since I traded in my after work running schedule to before work... so I am now waking up at 5 am... getting to the gym at 6.... running to 7... getting at the boys house at 7:30.... leaving their house at 8:15.... dropping them off at 8:45.... commuting 85 South during rush hour to downtown ATL to make it to my 9:30 class M-F.... getting out of class at Noon.... picking the boys up at 1....taking them home to nap until 3.... while I cook their dinner and lunch, clean, and iron 2 year old boy clothes (can't for the life of me justify that)... and then teaching them English from 3-5:30, feeding them dinner and leaving at 6:15 to head home exhausted and sometimes depressed.

Then tell myself to do homework? Smile? Whatever... I am tired. Especially because I won't go to bed until after midnight... and do it all over again at 5. Again.

But I have to tell myself this:

If I don't run I will never be able to run 13.1 on March 22nd or April 30th... my two half marathons I'm running.

If I don't go to class, study, do homework, I will never graduate college.

If I don't teach the boys English, clean, cook, IRON, I won't have a job.

And ALL I want is to move to Hawaii and lay on the beach for the rest of my life and through my life dreams of marriage, babies, a white range rover (I did say dream) all away and just have a life of no stress. No bills. No job. No college. No running. (Even though this is the one thing that is keeping me sane and driving me crazy at the same time)

It has been 45 days since I walked out of Joey's condo, blocked his number, started running like it is no body's business. But I still think about him every single agonizing day. I swore I saw him in Starbucks yesterday, it wasn't him. I look in the mirror and hate what I see... this is no woe is me... this is honest me... if it makes you uncomfortable you are obviously not a female... or it makes you sad... just skip over it...

Every day I pray for God's will in my life but I can't seem to give it all to Him. To TRUST him completely with my life. I pray to meet the one he made for me. I try to eat right, work out, be a good Christian, Pray, Love, Smile, Laugh, Breathe, Not eat too much, Not spend too much money, Like myself, Love myself, Get my butt to school, Be the BEST Nanny/friend/2nd mom to the best almost 3 year olds on the planet.... be the best sister/friend/roommate/daughter.... forgive my dad, myself, joey for not treating me half way decent...

And pretend it all comes naturally... the Grace, Energy, Love of Life.

Which is does. Most of the time. I am me. I am happy. I am passionate. I love. I am SO blessed. God's GRACE is more than enough for ME. But I am at a constant battle with the reflection in the mirror... with myself. And sometimes I feel like I hold the answers. And sometimes I feel completely lost. Hopeless.

Maybe God is trying to show me... ONCE AND FOR ALL....... ALL YOU NEED IS ME.

ALL YOU NEED IS ME.

Because everything else isn't cutting it.

He's right.

Don't get me wrong for a second... I LOVE my life and everyone and everything in it. I just want to be happy when I look in the mirror. I want to meet the person God made for me. I want to trust God that His will is perfect. I want to trust myself. Not second guess everything I say, feel, think. I want to STOP thinking about Joey. Stop hoping he would... change. Stop placing everyone's happiness as my happiness. I want to keep running and actually see the changes every one else sees. I want to feel good enough.

There you go. You know me now. I always do this on this blog. Let people know the REAL Whitney. No questions asked. It's weird. I hate when I do it because I feel so see through. But it is nice to let it go. Let it out. Hopefully no one will be too freaked out to see the real Whitney. I give you permission to. It's okay! :)