Don't stop believin'....

Ok... so I am really really really trying to remember God's words to me over the last few weeks through my Christian literature, Bible readings, and devotions. I am saying my power verses over and over.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."Jeremiah 29:11

Don't stop believin'...

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will fulfill the desires of your Heart. Psalm 37:4

Don't stop believin'....

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6


Don't stop believin'...
 
Ok, so you are probably wondering what in the WORLD I am talking about. BUT, as open as I am on the blog, I am not sure I can actually say it.
 
But I don't want you to be disappointed or discouraged. I will eventually share the whole thing. Think of what I am going to share now as the Prologue to a hopefully wonderful story. Of love. Of Whitney's future. Of whatever you want to think the story will be... because your guess is as good as mine.
 
I will say I am trustin' in the Lord on this one. I am believin'.
 
Believin' that is a reason for what happened, for why a person came into my life and made me go... WOW! WOW! WOW! On the same day I was praying for Joey. Praying, praying, praying.
 
Girls I really do believe God has someone for me. Someone wonderful who will meet my every crazy criteria. Because you all know I can't date just anyone. They have to have "the one" potential. You know my list. You've all heard it before. And in the last few weeks as I have been drawing closer to Jesus my list has been tweaked a little bit.
 
Joey met all the criteria except the tweaked part. But I thought I could change that. Anyways, I will go ahead.
 
The man I want to marry will look something like this:
-Tall
-Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin (what I used to say but I let this one fall because I thought that may just be a little too picky descriptive... For instance, the only person I thought I could live happily ever after with, Joey, has blue eyes, but still dark hair/skin) 
-Left handed (because you know I love lefties... I am one and I think we are extra  special (But I realized this too may be a little much)
-LOVES his family and very CLOSE to his family. With a great mother and father influence present in his life. I want my husband to have the stability that I didn't have in family so we don't both bring that issue to the relationship.
-LOVES the Georgia Bulldogs (even though a little SEC rivalry wouldn't be too bad either... as long as it is NOT Tennessee or Flordia)
-Will be a wonderful father- loves kid, will play with them, spend time with them, teach them sports, how to treat women, etc... (because for some reason I think I'm going to have boys)
-Will LOVE me forever... think I am BEAUTIFUL forever... be together FOREVER (most important one on the list... because I know when I meet HIM. I will love him forever...)
-LOVES Jesus and has a personal relationship with him. (This was the tweaked part, because when I was living in sin.. this didn't exactly matter, NOW it REALLY REALLY matters. NOW this is the deal breaker if not present.
 
 
So... basically I met someone that meets ALL of the above... except the whole loves me forever one.. because how could he... we just practically met... got to know each other.... for a little bit. Anyways, this is my issue... I am so used to things NOT working out that I don't want to talk or Pray about it... BUT then again, I do... because it would be so absolutely amazing if this is the guy God made for me. For 100 reasons other than my list. So hopefully one day I can tell you all why. And who. Until then....
 
I'm going to keep prayin'...
 
And...
 
Don't stop believin'

Destressing... and so much more.

Ok, so after letting out all my relational/personal problems yesterday, I, indeed, felt so much better. Also, I have people in my life... people I mentioned in my post yesterday who responded with words I needed to hear.

One response was from a close friend, she said:

The blog is great Whitney! You needed to get that out, walking around carrying it with you is so debilitating. It will start eating away at your spirit. Writing is a great therapeutic way to get those thoughts out and no longer carry them around as a burden.

Mourn this Whitney, and let yourself cry and eat chocolate and really allow yourself to feel these emotions. You have a broken heart, and its ok to be sad. Don't let yourself or anyone else tell you that its ridiculous or try and minimize what you are feeling. Because in order to heal, grieving is the first loss. The best thing anyone ever told me about broken heart was to treat it like death. Not like literal death, but the stages of grief:
 * Denial (this isn't happening to me!)


* Anger (why is this happening to me?)


* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)


* Depression (I don't care anymore)


* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I love you, and this will get better. You are already in the right state of mind spiritually, let God do the rest! But its OK to cry and be sad, it isn't a sign of weakness. Its healthy and natural! I love you so much! THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
 
Can I just say how amazingly thoughful and insightful my friend is?! How God knew I needed to hear those words... and she is right, I need to feel it. To cry. To be sad. All my life my way of fighting is to hold it all in. Don't let it get to you and it won't mantra... little did I know, just because I walk around with a smile on my face doesn't mean there isn't something internally going on.... like my Doc said when he diagnosed me Hypothrodism (Graves Disease) and said my Adrenal Glands were exhausted.... "How long have you been stressed out? It has worn on your organs!"
 
I wanted to respond... You have no idea... but instead my habitual "suppressing-of-the-emotions self" SMILED, and said... Haha, I'm not stressed... when really I was thinking... All my life...
 
So basically every one stresses... but when you only let it out once in a blue moon... like me, when I watch a happy movie and bawl my eyes out while everyone around me wonders why I am crying like my puppy was just run over... or when I see a love movie and cry all the way through, the whole way home, and am still an emotional wreck a couple of days after (this happened in Sex and the City movie, The Time Traveler's Wife, Marley and Me.. and I can keep going, but I will spare you!) ... or when (in my past) I would drink too much and get hysterical for no reason....
 
The emotions/stress/worry needed to get out... and it would take any opportunity it could...
 
Hearing those kind and honest words from Meghan yesterday were deliberate for my life. I did need to feel. I did need to cry. I needed to let it out. Let it out, to let it go... hm... that may be the title of my first book... it just came to me! AND I did just that. I cried yesterday, when I read my mom's words, and Meghan's, then I reread them and cried again. Then last night I wanted to go see the movie Love and Other Drugs with Jake Gyllenhal and Anne Hathaway.. but I felt better by that point an figured that was just abusing the crying.. haha...
 
This morning I woke up feeling well rested and ready to let it out, to let it go again. So I jumped on the treadmill after dropping the guys off at school and ran hard... even walked as fast as I could.... lifted weights... I sweated it out.
 
Man was I feeling good. I didn't realize that crying was so liberating... but I always knew Sara Bareilles' lyric "I learned how to cry and I am better for that" always caught my attention. So I listened to it this morning while exercising. And "Many the Miles" the best song ever for knowing you are on the right path... "How far do I have to go to get to you? .... Many the miles..." Loved it.
 
I learned through Meghan's words, my tears, sweat, and contemplation... that there are ways I add stress to my life instead of taking it away. Like when I go to the gym... I get an idea of a workout in my head and won't stop until I run that 3 miles at this specific speed... or I have to stay on the treadmil X number of minutes, elliptical X number of calories... STRESS... when it should be doing the opposite... relieving!
 
I give myself these ridiculous diets I obviously cannot stick to... then over do it...
 
I tell myself if I lose this amount of weight, wear this size, look this way, drive this car, go to this church,.....
I will be happy, healthy, married, in love,.....
 
So basically... to sum it all up... I am extremely hard on myself... and stress myself out... and continue this cycle... then when other things come up in my life and they add to it... I try to remain in control... I try to think, think, think, evaulate... evaluate more... until.... I am exhausted, spent, and then find myself crying when I see a father holding his daughter... partially because it is sweet and loving... and I have a little bit of father issues... and then my brain goes into stressed out overdrive... will I find someone to marry, have children with, who will be a good father... love me forever... BLAH BLAH BLAH.... I bet you are exhausted reading this, huh?
 
Well guess what... my Father in Heaven REALLY REALLY REALLY loves me...
 
Because when I got those amazing words from Meghan yesterday and I started to feel and let go of the emotions... and let it out... I also received other words... from her...
 

I love you and regardless of geographical distance we have between us, you have my full support, love, and empathy. I will always be here for you, if not physically, I will be with you emotionally, spiritually, and any other form of support I can offer you! No one wants to hear "oh you have good things coming to you, just wait" because even though it IS true, it isn't comforting. We all want the day to come to us where something 'good' happens, but when we sit back and observe our life and surroundings, we see that we already have 'good'. You have so many great things going for you and most of them lie within yourself. You are one of the best people I know. You have a HUGE heart, that is open to love anyone and everyone. Instead of seeing that as a flaw (because you can get hurt) look at it as one of the rarest most valuable attributes on earth. That is why people are drawn to you. You are infectious. Your appetite for life is something I long for. You don't let your past write your story, you choose to push through bad times, and persevere. Do you know what that says about your character? How strong and amazing that makes you? You would rather laugh than cry, but when you are doing either you do it with passion. You are simply incredible human being. Beautiful inside and out, but your spirit and heart is what makes you Whitney to me, and I will always see that, regardless of what you do, or decisions you make or anything else. I love you. You are so strong and amazing. You are a hero! And I think that you should hear that from time to time. I'm privileged to have you in my life and to call you a friend!

WOW. Brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. Which has been about 10 times in the last 24 hrs. Because this one person, whom I love very much and have been through A LOT with over the past 5 years and is a best friend of mine, and I think of very highly, not only thinks I am special, wonderful, unique.... but she loves Whitney exactly how Whitney is. The me inside out. And I know there are many people... my family and friends included who love me exactly as I am... as I do them... every single person in my life.... and that is how every person feels about you... they love you for you... as you love them for them... we are the ones who think otherwise... our own worst critics, as it has been stated before... we hear the negative people have told us through the years inside of all the positive...

And God sent me this devotion this morning... because he loves me, too.. and wants me to be happy in Him... to share my joy and love of Him to everyone... to only need, trust, and believe in Him... like I said yesterday... because he will take care of us... like he sent kind words from Meghan, my Aunt Ginny, and Mother yesterday... he gave me the umph to go exercise it out this morning, he gave me the knowledge of self reflection... and he gave me this devotion:

Don't Overthink It

I mean do I need to even quote my devotion after just the title? I seriously walked in my house after my amazing workout and looked down at my email on my phone, saw this title, and just smiled. God really does have a sense of humor. Because while I was walking/running I was thinking about my blog today... thinking what to write, who to think, how to put my contemplational thoughts into words.

And this is what I saw.

Don't Overthink It

Not to mention what I have been writing about continuously. God telling me to just believe. Trust him. Not to worry. And here is what verse was under the title, Don't Overthink It....

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6

I mean, wow. Thank you Lord. You know daily what I need to see, read, hear... He is an awesome God. This is what else it says (The whole devotion, by the way) :

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life – and I'm running out of time to figure it out. What if I never find it? Will I always be unhappy and unfulfilled? Will I never achieve my purpose? What will God do about that – will He call me a bad servant? But I can't help it. Why doesn't He answer my prayers for direction?

Maybe I'm just too sinful or something. I know I should read the Bible more. Is this limbo I'm in some kind of punishment for that? Am I really so much worse than everybody else? Maybe I just don't have any special gifts or talents. Or they just never got developed. Maybe that's it, and maybe now it's too late. So what do I do now? I don't know what I'm supposed to do …

Does this resemble your thinking sometimes? Perhaps not about your calling, but about finding a spouse, or affording a house, or exercising regularly, or a conflict with your mother or boss. Do you tend to overthink things? To worry and ruminate? To endlessly, passively, excessively ponder the meanings, causes and potential consequences of your problems? Do you dwell on them?

Many of us believe that when we feel down about something we should try to evaluate our feelings and our situation from every angle to attain insight and find solutions to relieve our unhappiness. However, a host of research in the last 20 years has shown that dwelling on thoughts like this creates negative outcomes: it sustains or worsens sadness, fosters negative thinking, depletes motivation, saps energy, interferes with concentration, and typically impairs our problem-solving.

Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky writes: "Although people have a strong sense that they are gaining insight into themselves and their problems during their ruminations, this is rarely the case. What they do gain is a distorted, pessimistic perspective on their lives." She adds, "You need to free yourself from the clutch of your ruminations – in other words, immediately stop overthinking."

Based on what he wrote in Philippians 4:6-13, I think the apostle Paul would agree with the professor. Pause and scroll down to read the whole passage now in the "Power Verses" below and then come back.

As we see, in verse six, Paul gives three clear instructions for those of us who ruminate on our problems. He says:

1) do not worry about anything
2) pray about everything
3) thank God for everything

What if today we took this instruction to heart and put it into practice? What if today we decided not to worry about anything? What if when we found ourselves worrying, we stopped and handed the situation over to God in prayer? What if we then thanked Him for taking care of the issue?

In fact, what if we spent most of our mental free-time today thinking about what good care our awesome God takes of us?

What if we counted our blessings and God's acts of faithfulness today – and again tomorrow and next week too? What would happen then?

Paul says in verse seven, we will begin to experience amazing peace – a kind of peace we can't even imagine. Peace that makes no earthly sense! This kind of peace is so powerful that it has a protective function on our hearts and minds – which only makes it easier for us to stop worrying and be thankful.

That sounds like a state of happiness to me! So let's not over-think it today. Let's not under-pray it either. Let's actively choose to have a happy, thankful day. And then let's get up tomorrow and do it again.

Dear Lord, I'm turning over all my fears and problems to You to handle today. I can't fix a single thing by worrying about it - but You can fix anything because nothing is impossible for You! Thanks for being in charge of my day. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/

Man. How awesome? If anything... you should be astounded by that great BIG all knowing God up there! Because you saw what I wrote yesterday and you saw what I read today? Coincidence? I don't think so. God? Yes. How do I know, you may ask?

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

I am seeking him, and I am finding him everywhere in my daily life. Everywhere I need him, everywhere I want him. He is making me whole. He is going to take away all of my worry, all of my longing for answers about the future, and you will see a brand new, whole, Whitney. One that is filled with God's love. One that needs no Joey or any other guy... because she has all she needs in her heart. Not that God will not send me that person one day... but I believe that day will come when I am ready. More on this subject tomorrow, ladies. I love you all. Thank you for following this life of mine. And what the Lord is doing with it!

Thanksgiving RECAP and more.... Whitney style... I apologize ahead of time... this is long... drawn out.... and goes in a crazy direction... but there was no stopping me...

Ok so I am well aware that my self proclaimed "daily" blog has not been updated in OVER a week.

Sorry. To Meghan Kyle... the one who not only notices when I do not post... confronts me as well... thank you! That means a lot! :)
I will explain myself by recapping the last week so maybe you will cut me some slack... and then I will continue on like usual... rambling, random, and all..... Sound good?

Ok.

First things first, I had the ENTIRE week off last week! Woo hoo! Haven't had a week... or close to it... since May! It sure was nice. But not relaxing... or full of sleep. It was go, go, go per usual.

I am still driving in the Volvo, until SADLY this Wednesday when I have to give it back and figure out what I am going to drive from now on... since every single ad I have responded to on Craigslist is a S-C-A-M.

Ohhh yea. 2 were "soldiers"- one getting deployed from Seattle, Washington THIS Friday who wanted to sell me an AMAZING car for 3 grand... liar... even made up a fake EBAY email address to say we were dealing through ebay and I needed to send money via Western Union and he would send the car. The Lord gave me that "womanly instict gut feeling" that screamed CHECK THAT OUT! So I go to ebay, look up ebay autos, check frequently asked questions and find my answer, "WE WILL NEVER ACCEPT MONEY GRAMS OR WESTERN UNION AS A PAYMENT, IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO SEND PAYMENT, THIS IS A SCAM. THEY MAY EVEN POSE AN EMAIL LIKE THIS: (EXACT REPLICA OF WHAT I RECEIVED), AND MAY POSE AS A SOLDIER BEING DEPLOYED, DIVORCED, ETC"

3 for 3. Three ads I responded to, three scams. I just wanted to reply back, "HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELVES?! CLAIMING TO SERVE OUR COUNTRY WHILE TAKING INNOCENT YOUNG GIRLS/OLDER WOMEN'S HARD EARNED MONEY," (I'M SURE THEY RIP OFF 99% WOMEN... PROBABLY SOME TRUSTING MEN OUT THERE TOO...)

Instead of yelling back I just quietly went back to craigslist and flagged them with scam and every other possible violation available. Ugh. And thank the Lord my money wasn't taken.

Sorry for the rant... I am t-minus 1.5 days until I'm carless.... ahhh...

Anyways, so I packed up last Monday, went to my parents, spent the night and helped my mother with 3 houses on Tuesday. Yes, 3. In one day. Then I met up with my bestest Megan and had lunch and discussed plans to meet up with people in Madison for Thanksgiving.
Wednesday I started cooking for Thanksgiving.My mommy was sick so I decided to be a sweet daughter and get things started for her. This was the least I could do for my wonderful, loving, hard working and on top of it all, sick, Mother. Thursday morning I woke my bro and me up for a 5k I got both of us interested in. Started at 9:30... we got there only 10 min before... made our way to registration.... was 20 dollars each... it said online... but jumped up to 30 the day of the race... we only had 40 in cash... so I told Jesse to go ahead... as the gun shot while we were standing at registration.... I ran back to the car... at least 3 blocks away... grabbed my debit card and got back to the square to find the "sweet" ladies who told me they took debit cards and told me to get mine and who would wait on me... had in fact left. So... yea, it was 9:45 at this point... all runners had at least reached the 1st mile.... and the fasted of the bunch were finishing.... yes, the best time for 3.1 miles was 15:30... some fast, skinny cross country kid! First woman finished in 17 mins.. again, 3 miles! Go girl! How do I know all of this? Oh yea... because I didn't get to run it... so I watched one by one as thousands... yes, thousands.... finished.

I watched so long in fact that I looked at the clock to find it at 1 hour... and I had not seen my brother cross the finish... weird.... so I decided to start looking around... and to my surprise, he was about 4 people down from me waiting for me to finish. Because he didn't know I hadn't run. And guess what.... he finished in 29 minutes... so we both stood there for 30 mins after he finished watching people.... haha. It was all good. It was Thanksgiving for crying out loud. I couldn't be mad. Disappointed, yes. Mad, no. So we hauled it back to Stone Mountain where I was rushed in to bake homemade Mac and Cheese for over 20 guests, shower, look and act decent... in less than 30 minutes... well, the 30 minutes didn't happen, but I managed. :) 

I spent Thursday night tripping out at Black Friday shoppers at WalMart  in Madison at midnight... then became a Black Friday shopper myself Friday afternoon with friends. We then decorated Ashley's house in all Christmas Friday and Saturday and watched Georgia beat Georgia Tech... finally!!! That was a game full of almost heart attacks! Whew.

Sunday (yesterday) I had my first volunteer day at Buckhead Church! Woo hoo! I think I've got the usher thing down pat! Haha. I met a lot of nice people while ushering at the 11 am service.. and will volunteer every 3rd week with my group. Since I was working the 11 am service, I decided to go back to attend the 6 o clock service. As I was pulling in my cousin Sherri texted and said her and her husband were at the 6 o clock... the are usually 9 o clock attenders and I am either 11 or 6... so we all got to sit together! Which was so nice! 1)Because Sherri is my new favorite person ever. She is not only my older cousin who I look up to because she is exactly what I want to be now AND one day when I am a wife and mother... but because we have a lot in common, too. We love our bulldogs, Athens, GA in general, Jesus, Buckhead Church, living in ATL, Urban Outfitters, Target, Anthropologie, boots, jeans, leggings, jeggings (she sold me to them and now I LOVE them!) ... you get my point. 2)Because I always sit by myself... so it was nice to not only sit with someone I knew... but someone I love!

Not to mention we were REALLY close to the front... AND Andy Stanley himself was right in front of us... no screen. Woo hoo. The service was about being ungrateful... how we all are and can be... and never even know it.... so basically to be GRATEFUL to recognize who we OWE a "thank you" to.

And one more thing the sweet Lord Jesus is work, work, working on in me.... Faith. In. Him. To let go and let God. Oh you've heard it before. My devotion this morning was entitled "Learning to Trust Again"- what I got out of it....

Believing is Seeing.

Meaning if you believe in God... you will see what he CAN and WILL do. But first you (ME, WHITNEY CONNER) has to believe. Of course it is easy to see and believe. But to believe and THEN see is what God wants from us. To trust in Him. To have faith in Him. To let go of trying to be in control of everything. To let go of worry. Iit is a lesson God keeps bringing to me every day. Because... it is something very hard for me to do. And I didn't know it, recognize it, realize it... until now.

But he understands why. And I do too. I have put my trust in a lot of people in my young years on this earth. And only few haven't let me down. Few I tell you. I have put my trust in parents, friends, lovers, aquaintances, brothers, aunts, uncles, adults, bosses... and many times I have found my heart shattered by each one... except a few...

There are friends who have never hurt me... who have always been there for me... even at 2 am, 7 am, that one who picked me up from the Overlook, Church St, only the Lord knows where...

That friend who listened kindly and patiently as I bawled my eyes out after saying goodbye to Joey for the very last time at 1 am....

You all know who you are....

There is an Aunt of mine who has been like a best friend...a sister... an Aunt... and a mother... all in one summer... and since then :)

There was a boss that treated me like a daughter since I was 15 and couldn't even drive to open Amelia's... but she let me open and close that boutique until I got my nanny job 7 years later and moved here to Atlanta...

A mother who loves me the best she knows how... through all our life's ups and downs... sometimes loves me too much... and sometimes I'm not first at all.... but she is always there....

I owe so many people gratitude... thank yous... hugs... and love.... of all the people who have let me down there are way more who love me just because I am me. Friends' parents who treated me life their own, clothed me, fed me, housed me... for a summer, a year... all through high school and college... and so on.

God always provided. God has never forsaken me. Even when I was not living anywhere close to the right way... the Godly way... Christ like... when I was full of sin.

He still takes care of me.

And instead what do I do instead of being grateful? I ask for more....and complain..... and cry.... Yes, I cry. Still. To this day....

about Joey.

I know. I'm lame. And ungrateful obviously. I mean I can't get on 85 N or Piedmont or Peachtree without seeing his condo... I can't go a Holiday season without thinking of his birthday (Dec 1) or thinking about this time last year when we watched The Family Stone (my ALL time favorite Christmas movie) together on my roommates Ikea couch in my living room... him dressed to a T in his Jos.A Bank plaid white, tan, and blue oxford with the matching dark blue V neck sweater over it, collar out, of course. Matched with his nice jeans, belt,  and Cole Hanns...(I'm lame, I am well aware)...

Me in my brother's oversized plaid dark green and brown oxford and brown tights and boots, SO excited he called me when he got into town from Atlanta (surprise!) He met my best friend and cousin that night... aka my roommates last year... Also we talked about our Thanksgivings... his mom went to Atlanta to spend time with him and his brother.... she cooked some but bought a lot of the Thanksgiving dinner... and I remember Joey saying he made sure to tell his mama the collard greens (that she cooked, not bought) was the best thing of the entire meal... and he said she was so happy when he said it.... he is thoughtful like that... and appreciative... that's why I cry...

And 2 years ago at this time of year we had just met... ah. I remember the dress I had on... the first thing he said to me... "You don't know how pretty you are... you really don't, I can tell by how you act.... you have no idea..."

So yea, I could go on for days... but most of you... have already heard all of this... and want to murder him...

BUT...

...it isn't his fault I fell in love and he didn't.... it's not his fault I held on to something for 2 years that wasn't going anywhere except my heart and head... I knew, I just didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe the opposite, in fact.

Why? You ask.

 Because he is perfect to me. Everything about him. His looks, voice, laugh, sense of humor...

 His intuition is exactly like mine... he forgets nothing I say... and I forget nothing he says... we can seriously repeat each other's exact words from 2 years ago... example: When he moved from his amazing condo at The Overlook to this older house... he hated it... old plumbing... old bathrooms... not the modern ritziness of the condo... I responded to his complaints that old houses have character... and I like character.... months and months later he came to my new house and said... "I thought you liked old houses... and this one is new... but it still has character, because that's what you like, right?"....

See why I am smitten. Not to mention he says the nicest things anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. And not typical, shallow, nice things. Like genuine... personal nice things... example... the last time we hung out... I was showing him the wrinkles by the outside of my eyes... (my mom always yells at me for pointing out insecurities in front of guys... but we were really joking in this conversation.... and anyways I always want to yell back, "STOP TELLING ME WHO TO BE AND HOW TO ACT!" Sorry. Side note. I am crazy, if you haven't figured it out yet... I'm really sorry this blog is so long and crazy... but I really can't stop typing... so I understand if you have already went back to facebook now.... :)

But anyways... when I said something about my "wrinkles"- I mean, come on, I'm 23... I really do not have wrinkles, yet... thank the Lord... he said, "there is nothing you need to change about your face or your body." Sorry if that was too personal for y'all. But really he didn't say it sly... he said it matter-of-factly... like he says everything. He has no alterior motives. He is straight up. Believe me. I have seen the other side before... when he thought I was judging his character on cinco de mayo of 2009...

Basically I could go on an on about him... and I have... for 2 years... and I am trying to let go... but I keep crying.... I haven't talked to him since we hung out beginning of October... and I never will again I'm afraid... after the phone call on Halloween night... the exact night we met 2 years before... explaining I can't do it anymore and asking for him to never call/text again... and that I would do the same... and he hasn't... and I haven't.... but still I haven't let go of him...

Well first you are probably wondering why if there is all this love and history and whatever... and why my friends want to murder him... why we didn't work out... well, all I can tell you is what he told me one May night of this year when I asked this exact question, "Joey, why? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Is it because I'm not skinny enough? What?" (Yes, exact. quote. There was wine involved... because I'm pretty sure I would NEVER want to hear Yes to neither... skinny or pretty enough...) And what he said, "No, Whitney, if you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, we can if you want. But I can't... I don't want to talk about it.... I can't give my heart.... (getting a little emotional)... I can't.... and no one in my family ever liked any girlfriend I have ever had.... and what if we were dating and we fell in love with someone else..." That is the exact answer. I was just relieved it wasn't the not good enough part... but really that is not what I wanted to hear either.... because what I want is Joey. Then. Now. And Lord I hope not forever if we never will....

but this is where all this "embarrassing, I'm sharing my personal part of my life that makes me sad" with you right now... the same place where worrying about a car is going... or worrying about worrying... or about my thyroids and adrenals... yea, a rash broke out bad this morning after 2 years.... all of these are taking me to God saying...

"Whitney... I know there have been a lot of people out there you trusted who have let you down (Joey included, but you still love him.... diff lesson for a diff day) but you have to TRUST me, darlin'... believe in ME and you will SEE. Believe that I have your best life, love, etc in mind. You don't know who you are going to be with... if it is Joey or if it is who you are going to be with... but I do. Believe me. Trust me. You may not know what your career is going to be but you are hoping it has something to do with writing books, touring the nation speaking and working with teenage girls... But I do know what you are going to do, who you are going to be, who you are going to marry. Don't you worry. Believe me. Trust in me.

You want to know the car you are going to buy is safe, affordable, reliable, and hopefully something you like, too.... I know what car you are going to drive off in.... believe in me. Trust in me.

And stop crying. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control and manipulate situations... or even thoughts in your head. You don't have to DO anything. Except STOP what you've been doing all these years.

And just Believe. Trust. There is nothing you can do that will make me love you more or love you less. So stop trying. Just believe. Just trust. That's all."

And now I am saying back:

Thank you Lord. I'm going to stop trying.... all the time. I'm just going to trust and believe. Because I do KNOW your plan is much better than ANYTHING I could ever come up with in my head. I love my Lord, girls. I hope you have this hope, this voice in you. It is real. He is real. I see it every day. In my Heart and in my Life...

And if you don't... you now know what you are missing.... someone who already knows you, your past, and your future... and not only loves you anyway... but is chasing after your Heart... so you can stop whatever you are doing or trying to do or wanting to be.... all you have to do is trust and believe in Him, our God... who made us and only wants the BEST for us.

I am going to have this BEST one day, according to the world... I already do in my Heart... Him... I've gotta remind myself of that... and be GRATEFUL!!!

If you had the patience to read all of this... bless you. This was not preconceived. I just sat down and started writing. I'm sure that is obvious in the round about way it is written. Having said all of this, I believe God knew I needed to get all of that stuff out of my Heart so I can stop crying. So I can move on. So I can stop holding onto the past or some hope or whatever... and just trust and believe in Him. Not Joey. Not all the people I put first in my life... or put on pedastools... or put my all into. But just to put my all in Him.

And now you KNOW Whitney. And I'm not going to apologize for it as I normally would. I am going to pray my personal craziness spoke to you in some way... not scared you away.... :)

Birthdays...

There is no other day that one can feel quite as SPECIAL as on their birthday. Or at least for me, because I had like 100 million birthday wishes from every one under the sun via fb yesterday. Which was really nice... hearing my Android email ding every few minutes. Everyone... family, close friends, old friends from high school, aquaintances from college, friends of my parents... even people I haven't seen in years... each took a second out of their day to wish me a happy birthday!

What? Do you think I am easily amused? Well, you are wrong. That is special. That so many people recognize birthdays as important. SOMEONE'S day. No one else's; just theirs. To celebrate their life, their number of years, and all of the memories and experiences that have made this person exaclty who they are at this very year. Who they are, at... well in my case, 23. Not the same person who celebrated her 21st two years ago. See what I am saying? The Whitney who celebrated her 16th birthday is not the same Whitney who celebrated her 23rd. Isn't that crazy? Same person, but not. Because life experiences, change, growth, etc... has shaped you from even last year to this year.

That is why I believe birthdays are special.

As I take time to reflect on all of my past birthdays, I have to say this year, my 23rd birthday, is one of my favorites. No I didn't have a surprise party or a trip planned. I didn't get anything BIG or EXPENSIVE or something I have WANTED forever.

What I did get was:

                               A nice totaled car on Monday... the first day of my birthday week! That was a bummer.

 BUT just hours later I was riding in an amazing 2010 Volvo S40 to drive for three weeks while my insurance company is getting my check together for my totaled car.

 Tuesday night my brother Jesse treated me and two friends to Dave Matthews tickets for my birthday! Yes, he bought all of us tickets! Isn't he sweet?! This is me and my best friend, Lindsay... we met in college and she is who made this week the best birthday week ever!

          Me and the best brother in the world!

And me and my lefty, Aja. We've been friends since middle school!

Wednesday Linds and I rented my two favorite holiday movies:

AND



I'm sorry, I know it isn't even Thanksgiving yet, but I am in the Christmas spirit. The explanation will come in just a second!

So yesterday, Thursday, was my actual birthday and Lindsay cooked me dinner (I mean, I think she deserves the best friend award. She put up with my birthday festivities all week. 5 days, including tonight.) She cooked my favorite... grilled salmon ceaser salad. And since she knows me so well, and because we like the exact same things, basically... we had yummy sushi for appetizers! Sorry, I didn't take a picture of our food... haha.

But I did take a picture of this:

 The flowers my step dad gave me for my birthday! How fallish and beautiful are they?!

And my mommy got me the SATC 2 movie! I haven't seen it, and I have only heard bad things about it... from my best friends who are also obsessed... but I love my SATC girls. So I will watch any way.

AND today will end my birthday festivities... I'm sure you're thinking... finally... good Lord.. BUT I didn't plan all of these things.... wait, this is leading to the same point as why this is one of the best birthdays and why I am in the holiday spirit.... almost there.

But before.... TONIGHT.... I am :

Having dinner with friends at noche.... it is a tapas place. I've never been but heard it is yummy!

SO... here we go.... WHY this is one of my favorite birthdays:

First of all, I have never felt so loved in my entire life as I do right now. Love from my family, friends, and even people I have just met. Feeling loved and appreciated is really a wonderful thing. Friends like Lindsay who made this whole week about me. Not because I asked or anything. Because she is a great friend. Friends like Megan Clark... who hasn't missed a single birthday since I was 16 years old. And she is making a point to not only come to ATL tonight... but make ber boyfriend tag along, too. Thanks Brett!

Secondly, I have never felt more content and KNOW that I AM exactly where I am supposed to be as I do every night when I drive home from work on 85 South and see this:

My ATL skyline. My city.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

 That God led me here...

...to Buckhead Church.

Where I now have a personal relationship with him. We talk daily. Multiple times a day. He watches out for me. He loves me. He wants the best for me. He has a plan for me. He is the reason WHY I am where I am supposed to be. Why I have such loving friends and family. Why I am so content and happy. Why I have been in the Christmas spirit since October... because when you Lord God and see how wonderful he is... how could you NOT want to celebrate the birth of his son and the meaning of Christmas all year long? He is why when I had my car accident I did not worry, I put my faith in him that he would take care of everything. And he has. And he will. And he will always love me. No matter when bad words slips out of my mouth or I have more than one or two glasses of wine. Or when I judge, or when I complain, or when I don't trust him.

His love is like no other. Like no human being. Not even a mother's love can compare to God's love. (And I have a one of a kind mother.)Not even a brother, sister, father, friend, husband, or wife's love can compare to Jesus. That is what I realized just yesterday when I was thanking him for his love, mercy, and grace... all the things and all people in my life.

And that he has put every single one of you in my life for a reason. Thank you, from the 23 year old Whitney, for encouraging me with my blog, the awesome comments, the love, the prayer, for making this birthday so special, and for the ones who have always believed in me, and the ones who do now.

This has been such a special experience. To birthdays! Woo hoo!

Prayer.

So as you may have read in my last post, "Patience" I have quite a "few" things I long for, am "ready" for, and want to know "when?" they will come.

I am so thankful God is my God... and listens to all of my prayers, and that he gives me what I need rather than what I want, long for, and am most definitely NOT ready for. Huh?

I will explain.

In my new book I am reading, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World"- exceptional, again, for EVERY woman. I have been figuring out some things about myself. That I am indeed a worrier. Which if you go back a post of two, I am self-proclaimed. But this book reinforced what constant and chronic worry can do to your life- spiritually and physically.

Also, worrying about things ultimately means you are not putting your trust (faith) in God. You are not recognizing his GREATness. You don't believe he can/will provide you with all of the desires of your heart.

You know Joey. Well, if you don't, you will soon know. Like now. Joey is a guy I have been smitten with (to say the very least) for 2 years now. But he is non committal. He makes these promises. He says all the right things. He is perfect to me in every way a guy on this planet could be. Other than he never follows through with anything he says. You would think after two years I could just let it go. And a long time ago. But as soon as I would let him go... weeks, even months later he would call, or I would run into him (seriously, on the streets of Athens), and when I heard his voice/saw his face it was over with... all my strength was gone.

Well, a few weeks ago I decided NO MORE. FOR GOOD. I called him very late one night when I couldn't sleep, sickened by him once more, and left him a very long detailed message. Things I never dreamed I could say to someone... how much I care, every detail... but that I could not do this anymore. That I could not hear from him or see him. That I would like for him not to call or text or anything anymore. And that I would do the same.

That was hard. A very close girlfriend of mine got a phone call from me, right after my phone call to Joey, bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. Like my dog had just died. It was bad... I did the whole sit in my car playing every song we listened to together, that meant something to us (or maybe just me)...

Now he has been haunting my dreams... my thoughts... and I even "get" to drive by his high rise every day on my way picking the boys up from school and coming home. That is a lot of fun.

Where I am going with this....

I know first of all this is the devil's way of robbing my heart of all the joy and happiness I have in my life. Because he knows that is a super touchy subject. Also I question God, "Why can't he commit?" "Why isn't he the one?" "Can you please send me the one I am going to marry so I can not think about Joey! So I can be happy!" (Like I'm not happy... so dramatic.)

Why aren't you answering my prayers?!

Then I was reading my book Sunday night. And God spoke to me through this very line: "I have your ultimate good in mind."

Woah. So maybe Joey isn't my ultimate good?! Um, probably not. I mean... noncommital is precisely the OPPOSITE of marriage, don't ya think? And I want to meet the guy I not only FALL IN LOVE with... but marry, start a family... spend the rest of my life with. Maybe God is on to something. :)

Also, God reminded me that he is INDEED answering my prayers. If I remember correctly... I prayed, "Lord, will you please heal my broken heart." (This isn't Joeys doings... this goes back to the first man in my life.) And also, "Lord, I have been trying to do things my own way for so long. Please take my life and use to it according to your will."

Every day my Lord is healing my broken heart. The first book God led me to when I walked into Borders on a Sunday afternoon with no intentions except head to the Christian Inspiration section. He pointed out "Every Woman's Battle." My heart was healing page by page... knowing other women go through the same thing as me.... emotionally and sexually (sorry if reading that makes you blush) I was then urged to practice emotional and sexual integrity, which I am, without a doubt or hesitation.

Then God told me when I finished "Every Woman's Battle" to buy "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World"- my trainer back in Athens was reading it when she was training me, and God put that title back in my head years later... now.

Now I am learning how to have an intimate relationship with my Lord... not based on going and doing, being restless, not sitting still; works... which you know I am GREAT at, the whole restlessness... but being still, just worshiping Him. Listening to Him. Praying. Praising. Relaxing. Letting go of worry. Just having faith. Living in the Here and Now. One day at a time. Not worrying about the future. Because when we do all this it shows our God we do trust him with our life. With our tomorrows. We trust that he has our ultimate good in mind.

SO this is what I am trusting right now. That my car wreck I was involved in yesterday, and just found out minutes ago is totaled... that my car is worth enough to get another one that is reliable to drive. I'm nervous. But I am trusting in the Lord. For he says he will never leave or forsake us.

Patience.

Patience. Oh yea. That word. At 23 (almost!) one would think I knew a thing or two about Patience. But quite frankly, I don't.

Why? You may ask. First, let me clarify exactly what I am talking about when I say I do not have patience. I do not have patience with myself, my life, and where it is going. Where God is taking it.

I have patience with my little twinzies, of course. They can scream at the top of their lungs, jump up and down on me and the couch, one pulling my arm one way saying, "Whitney, trains" while the other is pulling the other side of me saying, "Whitney, bikes" and I remain calm... not even an ounce of increased tension. Of this kind of patience I am trained.

But when it comes to ME, to MY life, I want it RIGHT NOW. And don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on myself... I am aware that we all want gratification (or those new Urban Outfitters fall boots)... RIGHT NOW. We don't want to save, we don't want to eat right and exercise every day to lose that weight (well, some of us... others seemed to have gotten that down pat)... either way, we all want, what we want, when we want it.

Unfortunately, I am like this a little to the extreme. I WANT to know who I am MARRYING... more precisely, I would like to meet him today. I want to know what my future career is... better yet, I want to start it today! (Which means, writing books and touring the country speaking to younger girls about purity.. and maybe once I get this whole patience thing down... that too.)

I want to be able to run 13.1 miles without stopping so when April 30th comes, I can run the Country Music Half Marathon.

I want to be in complete awe of my God, worshipping him every second of every day... without giving in to temptations to drink, listen to awful music, watch awful things on tv... and for me, myself, to not say/think/act in any wrongful way. (Of this I know is impossible, we are all sinners, we will in fact sin until we go to Heaven... but I am really hard on myself about it.)

So you know what God did for me and my lack of patience? On Friday, my daily blog (http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/) gave me the message I yearned for. That God knew I needed to read. It is entitled "There are No Shortcuts to Anyplace Worth Going"

Thank you Lord.

So what did I learn? I learned there are ways to get to these things that I want so badly.

Husband? Well, the one God made for me I probably (definitely) won't find: in a bar, in Athens, Stone Mountain, or Madison- where I go to meet up with my friends and family on the weekends because I don't know anyone here in Atlanta. But where? Oh yea, probably (most definitely) at Buckhead Church, through their ministries, volunteering, or the worship group for singles. Places that glorify God... since I want a husband who loves Jesus as much or more than I do.

Career? First, finish that education, baby. It's that easy.

Run 13.1? Get your hiney out there and run every day. Push yourself. Ask God for strength. Be mentally strong. Your body can do it. Believe in yourself.

Worship and "sinless"? First of all, you will not be sinless... but you will "sin less" when you are guarding what comes into your heart through your eyes and ears. When you constantly worhip God through prayer, song, reading Christian books, church, MEETING PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THE SAME THING... meaning STOP BEING SCARED TO GO TO BUCKHEAD CHURCH FUNCTIONS BY YOURSELF! I mean, when have you ever been nervous to talk to someone? Hello. :) Then it will be easier to stay in Atlanta, avoid temptation, have friends here in Atlanta...

And above all else and more importantly than what is mentioned above: TRUST IN THE LORD. BE STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD. LET GO AND LET GOD. HAVE FAITH, WHITNEY. Do you not know God created this world? He gave us life? He did more than our brains can humanly acknowledge, digest, or understand. MEANING: He can answer YOUR prayers, he can take care of YOU. He hears you. He is with you. He loves you. He wants you to be happy. He wants to fulfill the desires of your Heart...

BE PATIENT.

WARNING: You are going to think I've completely lost it....

but I HAVE FOUND IT!!!

What is IT?

Everything.

My purpose. My life. My future. My love.

You name it. I have found it.

I'm going to have to re-do my blog. Again. Whitney doesn't "Wonder" anymore... because... my wonder is usually covering the "worry" of tomorrow... the whole, "when will I meet my husband?" thing... "Am I sinning?" "Is Jesus coming back soon?" "If so, am I going to Heaven?"

All gone.

How did this happen? You want to know?

Well, this morning has been... how do I put it... memorable... to say the least.

I will give you a play by play. That's the most efficient way.

Ok, so first of all, I go to sleep last night at 9:30... don't ask me why... I was feeling kind of different... not down or depressed... not "WOO HOO WHITNEY!" either, Haha.

SO... after my 9 glorious hours of sleep last night (that I never get... usually 6 at the most).... I woke up and went about my Nanny business... dropped the kiddos off at school, went to kroger, came home, made coffee and my breakfast- piece of wheat toast with Nutella... yum, yum.

And sat down to read my daily devotion, per usual, and to pick up my amazing book (Every Woman's Battle) that I have PRAISED and RAVED and, regretably, have neglected the last few days.

So my devotion was AMAZING as usual (http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/)- BTW... I will post this URL every day on this blog... in case one day you are curious... and want to take a look... because it SPEAKS to ME EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. and I believe it would to you, too! Christian or NOT... if you are a woman... I'm sure there is something in the few paragraphs you can relate to. :)

Ok, so... as you know about me, I have always wondered about the future... as it says as the title of this blog and as the description (which will be changing, briefly).

But I have never asked myself WHY? Why do I worry about these things? Why NOT be present, as I have been told by God, Doc Hawley, and many books/memoirs... stay Present. Don't worry about the future. Live right now.

Well, sorry to disappoint you everyone, but that's just NOT me. I wonder (cough cough, WORRY!) I've tried not to. I just do. I'm pretty sure it runs in my family, anyway! :) Haha.

UNTIL TODAY.

When my devotion talks about just trusting in the Lord. To follow Jesus. To not worry. From the devotion:

"Jesus knows. He knows which answers are "yes" and which ones are "no." He knows when and where to reveal to me my next step. My part is simply to take the next step in obedience.

When I was younger, I did not understand those times when He said "no" were stepping stones to His amazing "yes." I learned in the dark that when I step forward in trust and obedience, blessing is down the path. I also had to learn that even those pathways that held pain where part of the process. They were stepping stones in my journey of choosing obedience over worry, fear and control.

Now, when fear and doubt surface in the dark I silence the "what ifs." I remember Jesus' words, "Follow me," and get back on the path that is flickering just ahead-and simply take the next step…a step of trust. I ask Him what I need to do for just today. I walk away from worry by expressing my concerns to Jesus and trust His ability to take care of each and every step."

Thank you, Jesus. I needed this devotion. But girls (and Payton... since I think you are the only guy who reads this, and I LOVE you for it! For supporting me!) this is only HALF of my morning!

SO I prayed and thanked God for this devotion. To put my trust in Him and KNOW whatever happens, "he will NEVER leave or forsake me" (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Then I picked up my book that I believe every woman, single or married, should read! For her well being, understanding her emotions, actions, thoughts, EVERYTHING. I believe this because my years of searching my heart on my own, my years of being in therapy, my years of self help books and reading memoirs (wanting to know someone related to what I was going through.... NONE of these YEARS did ANYTHING compared to what I read today did...

'Every Woman's Battle' told me this today in Chapters 8 & 9... To forgive my dad (yes, the book says that) who may have left me emotionally or physically when I was younger, and left me with a feeling of abandonement that created a void that I have been trying to fill with the "love" from a guy. <----- This woman is good! Did she write this book specifically for ME?

She also said to forgive the guys who have used me, abused me in any way (mentally, physically, emotionally), who dragged me along for their personal gain... God, my mama, my Aunt Ginny, Doc Hawley, and my best girl friends know who I am forgiving here.... and this is the easiest of the 3.

And this one is the hardest... she told me to forgive myself for the things in my life I am not proud of... because God has already forgiven me. Breathe Whitney. Have you ever felt it easier to figure others than yourself? Maybe you don't know... because you have never tried... don't worry, I have never tried either. But I promise you, after I let it all out to myself and God (he already knew the worst of the worst about me... and he's the ONLY one other than me... not even you mama, Aunt Ginny, Doc Hawley, and my best girl friends know ALL of this! And I know y'all can't believe this... because I tell y'all EVERYTHING! Haha. :)

As the book says: "One day as I was beating myself up for yet another emotional affair, my best friend interrupted me with these sobering words: 'Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for you when you refuse to forgive yourself for your past? You are saying that His blood wasn't good enough for you. It didn't have enough power to cleanse you.' She was right. Underlying all of my self-pity was the belief that what Jesus did for me couldn't possibly be enough to rid me of my stain. I needed some special miracle to set me free, and until I got that miracle, I had to beat myself up as an act of penance.

If this rings true for you as well, then guess what? The Holy Spirit is telling you the same thing He told me back then: Jesus opened your prison door. It's up to you to walk out! How do you do this? By forgiving every person who has ever brought you pain, including yourself."

... I could copy this whole book....

so you want to know what this did to me?

I let go of every past regret, decision, mistake... etc, etc, etc. I gave it all away to Him. And you know what he did with it? Psalm 103:12: "as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgressions from us." From me. From my heart. From my well being. From my insecurity.

I have that hold no longer. I am free from what I used to be. From my poor decisions. From every thing that held me back from all I can be. And right then I prayed and asked God to use all of me. To have all of me. To take all of me. Where I only gave a little, or some, or most... but held back some of me because of fear... I, now, just gave my entire life to Him.

So, today, on November 9th, outside on my deck, sitting in my peachy orange adirondack chair... I not only gave my (now) entire life to Christ but all of it.. my ugly past and all of my tomorrows... (fears, who my husband will be, am I sinning?, is Jesus coming back?, and Will go to Heaven?, included.) Everything.

NOW, I am not only CHANGED as I told you in my first post, but I am NEW. A NEW Whitney. Complete.

And for the first time in my life, I AM PRESENT.

I love you all! Thank you for your love, support, prayers, and patience.

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:17-18)

It is official.

"What is official?" you ask. Well, I'm going to tell you!

But first ....

I think it is only appropriate to say this before I tell you the official (and challenging!) news:

Ready? Ok.

I want to say how MUCH every single word of encouragement I have received in the last few days, since starting my blog, has truely meant to me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have such a supportive group of people behind me. (I'm sorry I didn't believe in you wonderful people!)

From my best friends since childhood, since high school, and college. From family, extended family, and basically family (Meg, I mean I'm pretty sure we have lived together since 9th grade!)From acquaintances and the ones who have never missed a day in the crazy life of Whitney from the start...

You know who you are, you know what you said, and I want to THANK YOU for being so supportive of me, my new life in Jesus Christ, this blog, in my ups and downs throughout the years, and for loving me and being here for me today!

Without this support, I am afraid I wouldn't have the strength to even share this blog, or this official news... for y'all are the icing on my cake of this new life through Jesus.

Without further a due(?) and being the most dramatic person in the world, which I'm sure I just took the medal, because it's not like this news is marriage/baby worthy excitement....

I am officially training to run the Country Music half marathon. 13.1 miles. In Nashville on April 30th. Alongside one of my best friends and a wonderful person (who is also included in the above group of supporters), Meghan Kyle, who asked ME to join HER! :)

Now, I've already talked about how I have never been a runner, and if you know me... you know that. So this half marathon to me IS a big deal. It IS marriage/baby worthy excitement in MY life... I mean, neither of those two things are coming ANY.TIME.SOON. PTL (Praise the Lord)... as I am certainly not ready for either...

Continuing... the significance of this half marathon to me is this: I feel that if I, indeed, run and complete this training program and race, I can do anything in this world I put my mind to. That may sound extreme... but I am just being honest with you. Hello, I am just being Whitney. Right? :)

As of today, I am on week 1, day 2. How this training program works (if you care/don't care/might be interested to start for yourself/or still reading because you just love me- thank you!)

The training is a 10 week program. You start at 3 miles a day, and run 4 days out of the 7 every week, so 3 days of rest. Every week you add 1 mile. So... after 10 weeks, 13 miles. If I follow this plan, I started Friday, November 5th, I should be running mile 13 on January 14.

The race isn't until April, so I may have a modified version, taking a little longer adding the miles, since I just ran 3 miles consistently for the FIRST.TIME.IN.MY.LIFE. on Friday. And for the second time TODAY.

Meaning, according to this training, I would already go to 4 miles on Wednesday. We shall see. I'm not saying it will or won't happen.

What I am saying in this: Please, if you don't mind, to keep me in your thoughts and prayers. That would mean so much. Because ya know what? Since I have just announced this to you, this means I definitely HAVE TO DO IT. Ahhh! :) No, I want to, and I know y'all will love me if I don't, but I like the accountability! Thank you! :)

Moving on to some random thoughts... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT IS ALREADY NOVEMBER?!

I can't. Or how cold it is. Which I don't know why I can't believe the latter... since I am a November baby and all... it always turns FREEZING cold RIGHT before MY birthday. I have friends/family who can attest to this... my 16TH, 18TH AND 21ST specifically.

What I also love more than November just being my birthday month, is obviously THANKSGIVING. Last year I cooked with my mother almost the entire Thanksgiving meal. We cooked from 5:30 AM until Noon, when people were arriving! It was an awesome experience, because I know one day I will be able to prepare Thanksgiving for my family, and actually know how!

This year I have decided to run the Gobble Jog 5K (3.1 mi) in Marietta on Thanksgiving morning! He doesn't know it yet, but I am going to convince my little bro bro to run it with me! Or try to convince anyways!

So I won't keep rambling on, and you decide never to read a blog of mine again... because like the Whitney you know, I am too long winded, even online, it seems... I will call it a night!

I hope everyone has a wonderful week! Stay warm! Know that Jesus loves you very much and that I do, too! And always remember:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Good night!

Change doesn't mean Perfect... and more...

Ok so I just have to tell ya, if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, you've GOT to get one! I am AMAZED not even on a daily basis, but MOMENT by MOMENT how much Jesus loves me. It seems anytime my wondering mind is, in fact, wondering (which seems to be every sec of every day)... he answers the things I wonder the most... and it is sometimes instantly! Don't worry, I'm going to tell ya!

Ok so you know how I have been CHANGED... BUT some things, I have witnessed first hand, take TIME. And that bothers me. I have been expecting myself never dive back into ANY of the old me ways. I mean I've done very well so far with my thoughts/actions. EVEN music! AND t.v.! Working on my language. But...

Drinking for instance. I LOVE MY RED WINE. But this week I have made sure that instead of going back for my second, third, forth(that would be the whole bottle) glass, I would only have ONE. Because drunkeness is a sin.

So, I did, UNTIL Thursday night... I went to dinner with 3 friends... Mexican.... and Margeritas happened. And I indeed got drunk. (I mean hello, tequila?!) So when we all got back to my house, I confessed to them how I was very disappointed in myself and that I am trying to change and that I CAN'T believe I let that happen! They were all taken aback from my confession, and reassured me. But I was thinking, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I'M A CHRISTIAN! (Not that they aren't, or anything!)

When I prayed, God assured me as well. He told me YOU ARE GOING TO SIN. YOU ARE A SINNER, AND I DIED FOR THOSE SINS. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE SAVED. And believe me, I know all of this, but still... I am very hard on myself. I take my actions personally. If you know me, you KNOW I am a people pleaser. I DON'T want to let ANYONE down. I hate disappointing people. I want people to be PROUD of me. And now I am holding myself up to the ULTIMATE judge. God. And to the one who died for ME. Jesus.

AND THIS IS WHERE IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER!!!

God knows all this about me. He knows me so well that he...

YES, he gave me this devotion. You can look for yourself, if you'd like!

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/

If not, it is entitled "Getting Cleaned Up".

WOW. I'm in for a lesson, I first thought. But, no, like I JUST said, God KNOWS me. So this is a little bit of what it says:

"An innate urge asserts we must somehow "clean up our act" before we can come to Jesus. We feel it when we meet Him for the first time. Our bulky baggage of sin burdens us down. So we try to "clean up our act" so we can then come to Him. But as that contemplative, shepherd-turned-psalmist David declared in today's key verse, we need not attempt to spit-shine our own hearts, but rather must plead "Create in me a clean heart O God."

Yes, we do the pleading.

He does the cleaning."

Again. WOW.

So you mean... all I have to do is ASK? or PLEAD to be exact. And he will "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

That makes me breathe easier.

And it made me think... If we COULD do it on our own then why would we NEED God? Hm... ponder that. :) The good thing is NOW I know I'm not supposed to even try to do it on my own. That is amazing.

Psalm 66:17-19, "I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer."

Thank you, God. For your love. For listening to me even with sin on my heart.

Let me tell you something else, ladies. I have never felt as strong, secure, joyful, peaceful... and so much much much MORE as I do now. (Not just in this instance, now, but IN THIS NEW LIFE now.)

He will answer your questions, rest you aching heart. Bring you peace, love, and joy. You will become the YOU he intended YOU to be. You will find yourself being the BEST you. Your talents, your strengths, everything good about you will SHINE. Honey, I'm here to tell you... I ran 3 miles yesterday in 32 mins... and I have hated running with a passion since I was a child. He can wonderful things to and through you!

And that is NOT all.

As my FAVORITE verse in the Bible says:

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

And THIS is ONE of the desires of my heart:

"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." (Colossians 3:9-10)

I hope you will see that "new self" in me.

I love you all. Thanks already for your support and love. Have a wonderful weekend! It's Saturday! Woo hoo! Don't forget... JESUS LOVES YOU, TOO!

How much is it going to cost you?

That was the question of my daily devotional this morning (http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/).

Asking us to consider the cost of our actions. For instance, wouldn't it be nice if consequences had a price tag on them like clothes on the rack of our favorite boutique. Just as easy as "Dress at Amelia's: $139, man... that is going to cost me almost 1/4 my rent,maybe I shouldn't buy it."

Don't you wish before our mistakes and 'lessons learned' there was a tag that said, "Cough cough, yea you. You know pregnancy is a result of sex,and sex before marriage... may result in you being a single mother."

This is just an example, of the MANY mistakes WE (me, included) young women make, and we are all well aware of the consequences... but wouldn't it be nice if a tag were hanging from the guys neck as a reminder? Or a tag on that wine glass? Or piece of cake?

Just a thought.


After I read my devotion I thought... oh, no. This is a sign. I need to be very aware of my actions... because what I do could REALLY cost me.... spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically...

You know what I am saying. Run 3 miles... and the only cost you have to worry about is sore legs...

Have one too many glasses of wine at dinner and think you are ok to drive? Cost... could be HIGH!

Overeating... this one is especially a HIGH cost... because it affects us WOMEN in many ways...by mentally beating ourselves up, physically, our waiste line isn't getting any smaller.... emotionally, we think we aren't good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough.

Having sex before you are married/with someone who doesn't care about you/with someone who does care about... still the cost could be high. Physically, pregnancy... mentally, could get all caught up in the person because you shared the most intimate thing in the world with them, YOURSELF... and emotionally, thinking about them all the time, worry, anxiety... and finally, Spiritually, because when you let things get between you and your safe place, whether that is your well being, your security, your confidence, your God, your whatever... it costs you.

Ya want to know the funny thing about this post? My intention was only to write about how I read my devotion and then got in my car and it wouldn't crank (this is a true story, happened THIS morning!) and I just had to pay $100 for a new battery, and I was going to ask ironically, "What were my actions for having the cost of a new battery and NOT being able to get my hair colored tomorrow like I have scheduled? I cannot afford two $100 payments in one week!"

But it seems something else was being put on my heart, and in a completely different way.

Interesting.

SO now, I want to ask you! Is there anything in your life that is putting a HIGH cost on your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual well being?

Search your heart and find out. Then try to remedy that part of you that needs healing... maybe even eliminating whatever it is that is costing a part of you a little too much. :) As The Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23)

Just a thought.

Ok, so that's all the deep stuff I have for today. I hope it meant something to you; touched you. Because it was definitely not premeditated, it just came out as I was typing... but I DO NEED A FAVOR FROM

All of you runners out there... I decided as of YESTERDAY I wanted to start running 5k's every weekend. Ya know, stop doing the stuff I've been doing for years that has gotten me NO WHERE, and start doing positive things for myself, my community, my world.

For myself I decided on Saturdays/Sundays I would run 5ks. 3.1 miles twice a week, no biggie. I figured if I could run 3 miles without stopping, my first day trying, it would be no sweat.

Also, I wanted to run an 8 minute mile, because I hadn't done this since, gasp, MIDDLE SCHOOL... don't get me wrong, I have RUN... just you know... 12, 11, 10 minute miles. I haven't pushed myself to just RUN. So I went to the gym yesterday morning and ran an 8 minute mile, ran half a mile at 10 minute mile pace and stopped... yes, at a mile and a half... not as easy as ya thought, huh, Whiney?!

Last night I went back, ran a 9 minute mile and then walked another mile at a 4.5 mph speed (13 min mile).

So basically what I need to know from you runners out there is this: First, I have proven to myself I CAN in fact run an 8 minute mile. BUT to run a 5k, which I know is nothing to you half/marathon runners, is this... Should I set a pace to run the entire 3 miles in? Like a 10 minute mile pace? And PLEASE remember, I have NEVER in this lifetime been a runner. I have actually HATED the thought until about a year ago (Thank you,Aunt Ginny for the encouragement and start!)I mean my nickname is softball was SPEEDY
, and you don't get that kind of nickname from being a fast runner... if you know what I mean... so answer me that, please!

Also, for myself, I have decided to start cooking more. Check out that dinner below. Blackened salmon (no, it is NOT burnt, just heavily blackened; super spicy, actually very raw on the inside.) And that big pile of orange? A small sweet potato sliced, baked, and sprinkled with blue cheese crumbles. Are you jealous yet? I'm such a visionary! Ha. Ha. Ha. That is what a single lady's dinner looks like, I'm here to tell ya. And of course my ONE, yes, just ONE glass of wine. Good for the heart. And yummy, too.

I will fill ya in on what I'm doing for my community and world next time... I'm feeling guilty for keeping you for an eternity reading the longest post in blog history... IF you are still reading... I wouldn't blame you if you were stopped long ago! :)


I hope you all have a wonderful day! It looks like the sun is trying to make an appearance! Stay warm and dry! Always know how much Jesus loves you. And I do, too!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

New life, new blog?

First of all, I want to thank you.... for leaving facebook to look at this thing!

Because, unless you are my mother, my two best friends, Lindsay and Meghan, or my roommate, Travis (look to the right, they are my 4 only followers.) Basically, the 4 who pretend they read my blog. And the only 4 who knew this blog actually existed... and has, for a while now.

So why is this the only post, you ask? Well, you see, my previous blog was emotionally intense. Crazy. Emotions. Everywhere. Let's just say it was no "head in the clouds" "I'm on cloud 9" kind of blog. But that's ok... that's where I was in my life then. Who I was.

Now, not so much. I am excited about this life. Okay, okay, I will admit, I am always excited. Especially about life. Or, more precisely, the new guy in my life. But, let's just sitck with life.

So yea, that was the old blog. This blog = no guys.

Opps, I'm lying. There is this ONE guy. He is pretty amazing. LOVES me. I mean, he is the whole reason of this "New life, new blog" Yea, that amazing. Ya ready? Guess what he did for me. And you, by the way. He died for me. And you.

Oh yea, you know who I am talking about now... And you're leaving the site now, back to facebook. I see you. BYE then, I see how you are. But I wouldn't if I were you.

Really.

Ya wanna know why?

Because I don't care if you are Agnostic, Atheist, or Apathetic. Christian, Catholic (I know, you are Christian, too... just go with the flow), or Jewish. Spiritual, but not Religious. Don't know what you are, Don't want to know, or whatever. Let me tell you something.

You know me.

Yea, YOU. You've been around me at least once or twice... and I can bet more than that... because I DO NOT add ANYONE on FB I have only met once or twice. No ma'am (sir). So, YOU, are either A)Family, B)Friend, C)I know you from Madison, Athens, or Atlanta, GA... either way I know you.

And YOU know ME.

So, that means, since you KNOW me, that you KNOW that I would not want you leaving this blog based on my beliefs.

I promise I am not going to preach to you. I am only going to commentate my life and the thoughts that frequent my head. And, yes, there will be GOD, JESUS, BIBLE VERSES, and other things based on my RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD in this blog. Just as I read 1 million status updates a day that cover every topic under the sun.

But I know what you are thinking... ohhhhh, yes, I do. It's much more complicated than status updates, huh?!

First you are asking WHAT HAPPENED TO WHITNEY?!?! Next, something like IS SHE THE SAME 'WHITNEY' AS BEFORE?!?! And probably, OH, NOW THAT SHE IS ALL 'GODLY' AND 'CHRISTIAN'... SHE IS NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE, SHE IS NO FUN ANYMORE, SHE IS GOING TO BE COMPLETELY JUDGING ME NOW...

Am I right? If so, I would be MORE than happy to answer these thoughts for you! Firstly, what happened to me is that I have turned my WHOLE life... heart, mind, and soul to Jesus. My present and my future. My past is gone... "as far as the East is from the West" (Psalm 103:12) and for that, I am greatful.

Secondly, I am and not(at the very same time)the same Whitney. I shall explain. Whitney is the same in this way: Will she still go out and enjoy Virginia Highland, Madison, GA, Athens, GA, and so on and so forth whenever she so chooses... yes, she will. Will she cheer on the DAWGS on Saturday?! Um, do you know me?! Will she hang out with bikers? Yeaaaaa. Will I judge you for drinking? Um, no. Smoking? Negative. Cussing? Absolutely not. Anything else under the sun? No, I will not judge you. I will do the opposite of that, what I have always done, LOVE YOU. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”(John 13:34-35)

Will I still be your friend? Hello, did you see what I just wrote? I LOVE YOU EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE. "'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."(Mark 12:31)

Does ALL OF THIS confuse you? If so, here we go, straight from the LOVE of my LIFE, you know, the one who died for me.... "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) Yea, I'm included in that. Still. Right now. Also he says, "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5) SO, yea, despite what you've experienced with Christians, or just human beings in general, my God tells me NOT to judge. But instead, to LOVE.

So, you now may be thinking... 'if you are the same person... how are you all of a sudden religious?' Because I HAVE CHANGED. My wants, needs, desires... I will still watch my DAWGS on Saturday... just without beligerence or drunkeness. I will still see my friends in Athens, Madison, Virginia Highland... with MAYBE a glass of wine... NOT a bottle, or shots, or many beers.

My actions have changed, my thoughts, my life goals, EVERYTHING, actually. Because it isn't about ME anymore, it is about Him.

DON'T LEAVE, YET. Just read on. This is the end, I promise. I want YOU to read this blog of mine.... Christian or NOT, Religious or NOT.

Why?

Because I want everyone who knows me, who has seen me at my best/worst... who knows me by association, or knows me like the back of their hand.... to SEE what CHANGE God can do in someone's life.

My life.

Will I be perfect? Um, no... did you see the first verse? "all have sinned" Will you read this somedays and think... 'Christian?! She is worse than me!' Well, I hope not, but I can't promise it won't happen.

But, there is one thing I can do. I can promise one thing. That the Whitney Conner you knew before will not hold a candle to the Whitney Conner now.


WHY? you ask. HOW?

Because the inner joy that Jesus brings cannot compare to ANY MAN ON THIS PLANET, any amount of money in the bank, the newest clothes in my closet, or shoes on my feet (And you KNOW how much I LOVE shoes!) His joy is everlasting. Intense. And will NEVER let you down. And I want to please him. By being what HE wants ME to be.

You may think I'm losing my mind, delusional, or you may be SUPER excited for me. Either way....

Don't take my word for it. Take my life, my actions. I want you to just visit this blog whenever you think about me- whenever you are bored of Farmville, Status Updates, and Photo Albums. I will update daily. There will always be something going on here, don't you worry. Because MAJOR change is going on in my heart and I cannot contain it.

My hope is that you will at least be entertained... but truely, I hope you are inspired.

And to get you wondering, too.

See you tomorrow! (If I haven't completely freaked you out and scared you off) :)

LOVE! LOVE!
Whitney
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11