WARNING: You are going to think I've completely lost it....

but I HAVE FOUND IT!!!

What is IT?

Everything.

My purpose. My life. My future. My love.

You name it. I have found it.

I'm going to have to re-do my blog. Again. Whitney doesn't "Wonder" anymore... because... my wonder is usually covering the "worry" of tomorrow... the whole, "when will I meet my husband?" thing... "Am I sinning?" "Is Jesus coming back soon?" "If so, am I going to Heaven?"

All gone.

How did this happen? You want to know?

Well, this morning has been... how do I put it... memorable... to say the least.

I will give you a play by play. That's the most efficient way.

Ok, so first of all, I go to sleep last night at 9:30... don't ask me why... I was feeling kind of different... not down or depressed... not "WOO HOO WHITNEY!" either, Haha.

SO... after my 9 glorious hours of sleep last night (that I never get... usually 6 at the most).... I woke up and went about my Nanny business... dropped the kiddos off at school, went to kroger, came home, made coffee and my breakfast- piece of wheat toast with Nutella... yum, yum.

And sat down to read my daily devotion, per usual, and to pick up my amazing book (Every Woman's Battle) that I have PRAISED and RAVED and, regretably, have neglected the last few days.

So my devotion was AMAZING as usual (http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/)- BTW... I will post this URL every day on this blog... in case one day you are curious... and want to take a look... because it SPEAKS to ME EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. and I believe it would to you, too! Christian or NOT... if you are a woman... I'm sure there is something in the few paragraphs you can relate to. :)

Ok, so... as you know about me, I have always wondered about the future... as it says as the title of this blog and as the description (which will be changing, briefly).

But I have never asked myself WHY? Why do I worry about these things? Why NOT be present, as I have been told by God, Doc Hawley, and many books/memoirs... stay Present. Don't worry about the future. Live right now.

Well, sorry to disappoint you everyone, but that's just NOT me. I wonder (cough cough, WORRY!) I've tried not to. I just do. I'm pretty sure it runs in my family, anyway! :) Haha.

UNTIL TODAY.

When my devotion talks about just trusting in the Lord. To follow Jesus. To not worry. From the devotion:

"Jesus knows. He knows which answers are "yes" and which ones are "no." He knows when and where to reveal to me my next step. My part is simply to take the next step in obedience.

When I was younger, I did not understand those times when He said "no" were stepping stones to His amazing "yes." I learned in the dark that when I step forward in trust and obedience, blessing is down the path. I also had to learn that even those pathways that held pain where part of the process. They were stepping stones in my journey of choosing obedience over worry, fear and control.

Now, when fear and doubt surface in the dark I silence the "what ifs." I remember Jesus' words, "Follow me," and get back on the path that is flickering just ahead-and simply take the next step…a step of trust. I ask Him what I need to do for just today. I walk away from worry by expressing my concerns to Jesus and trust His ability to take care of each and every step."

Thank you, Jesus. I needed this devotion. But girls (and Payton... since I think you are the only guy who reads this, and I LOVE you for it! For supporting me!) this is only HALF of my morning!

SO I prayed and thanked God for this devotion. To put my trust in Him and KNOW whatever happens, "he will NEVER leave or forsake me" (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Then I picked up my book that I believe every woman, single or married, should read! For her well being, understanding her emotions, actions, thoughts, EVERYTHING. I believe this because my years of searching my heart on my own, my years of being in therapy, my years of self help books and reading memoirs (wanting to know someone related to what I was going through.... NONE of these YEARS did ANYTHING compared to what I read today did...

'Every Woman's Battle' told me this today in Chapters 8 & 9... To forgive my dad (yes, the book says that) who may have left me emotionally or physically when I was younger, and left me with a feeling of abandonement that created a void that I have been trying to fill with the "love" from a guy. <----- This woman is good! Did she write this book specifically for ME?

She also said to forgive the guys who have used me, abused me in any way (mentally, physically, emotionally), who dragged me along for their personal gain... God, my mama, my Aunt Ginny, Doc Hawley, and my best girl friends know who I am forgiving here.... and this is the easiest of the 3.

And this one is the hardest... she told me to forgive myself for the things in my life I am not proud of... because God has already forgiven me. Breathe Whitney. Have you ever felt it easier to figure others than yourself? Maybe you don't know... because you have never tried... don't worry, I have never tried either. But I promise you, after I let it all out to myself and God (he already knew the worst of the worst about me... and he's the ONLY one other than me... not even you mama, Aunt Ginny, Doc Hawley, and my best girl friends know ALL of this! And I know y'all can't believe this... because I tell y'all EVERYTHING! Haha. :)

As the book says: "One day as I was beating myself up for yet another emotional affair, my best friend interrupted me with these sobering words: 'Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for you when you refuse to forgive yourself for your past? You are saying that His blood wasn't good enough for you. It didn't have enough power to cleanse you.' She was right. Underlying all of my self-pity was the belief that what Jesus did for me couldn't possibly be enough to rid me of my stain. I needed some special miracle to set me free, and until I got that miracle, I had to beat myself up as an act of penance.

If this rings true for you as well, then guess what? The Holy Spirit is telling you the same thing He told me back then: Jesus opened your prison door. It's up to you to walk out! How do you do this? By forgiving every person who has ever brought you pain, including yourself."

... I could copy this whole book....

so you want to know what this did to me?

I let go of every past regret, decision, mistake... etc, etc, etc. I gave it all away to Him. And you know what he did with it? Psalm 103:12: "as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgressions from us." From me. From my heart. From my well being. From my insecurity.

I have that hold no longer. I am free from what I used to be. From my poor decisions. From every thing that held me back from all I can be. And right then I prayed and asked God to use all of me. To have all of me. To take all of me. Where I only gave a little, or some, or most... but held back some of me because of fear... I, now, just gave my entire life to Him.

So, today, on November 9th, outside on my deck, sitting in my peachy orange adirondack chair... I not only gave my (now) entire life to Christ but all of it.. my ugly past and all of my tomorrows... (fears, who my husband will be, am I sinning?, is Jesus coming back?, and Will go to Heaven?, included.) Everything.

NOW, I am not only CHANGED as I told you in my first post, but I am NEW. A NEW Whitney. Complete.

And for the first time in my life, I AM PRESENT.

I love you all! Thank you for your love, support, prayers, and patience.

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:17-18)