Prayer.

So as you may have read in my last post, "Patience" I have quite a "few" things I long for, am "ready" for, and want to know "when?" they will come.

I am so thankful God is my God... and listens to all of my prayers, and that he gives me what I need rather than what I want, long for, and am most definitely NOT ready for. Huh?

I will explain.

In my new book I am reading, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World"- exceptional, again, for EVERY woman. I have been figuring out some things about myself. That I am indeed a worrier. Which if you go back a post of two, I am self-proclaimed. But this book reinforced what constant and chronic worry can do to your life- spiritually and physically.

Also, worrying about things ultimately means you are not putting your trust (faith) in God. You are not recognizing his GREATness. You don't believe he can/will provide you with all of the desires of your heart.

You know Joey. Well, if you don't, you will soon know. Like now. Joey is a guy I have been smitten with (to say the very least) for 2 years now. But he is non committal. He makes these promises. He says all the right things. He is perfect to me in every way a guy on this planet could be. Other than he never follows through with anything he says. You would think after two years I could just let it go. And a long time ago. But as soon as I would let him go... weeks, even months later he would call, or I would run into him (seriously, on the streets of Athens), and when I heard his voice/saw his face it was over with... all my strength was gone.

Well, a few weeks ago I decided NO MORE. FOR GOOD. I called him very late one night when I couldn't sleep, sickened by him once more, and left him a very long detailed message. Things I never dreamed I could say to someone... how much I care, every detail... but that I could not do this anymore. That I could not hear from him or see him. That I would like for him not to call or text or anything anymore. And that I would do the same.

That was hard. A very close girlfriend of mine got a phone call from me, right after my phone call to Joey, bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. Like my dog had just died. It was bad... I did the whole sit in my car playing every song we listened to together, that meant something to us (or maybe just me)...

Now he has been haunting my dreams... my thoughts... and I even "get" to drive by his high rise every day on my way picking the boys up from school and coming home. That is a lot of fun.

Where I am going with this....

I know first of all this is the devil's way of robbing my heart of all the joy and happiness I have in my life. Because he knows that is a super touchy subject. Also I question God, "Why can't he commit?" "Why isn't he the one?" "Can you please send me the one I am going to marry so I can not think about Joey! So I can be happy!" (Like I'm not happy... so dramatic.)

Why aren't you answering my prayers?!

Then I was reading my book Sunday night. And God spoke to me through this very line: "I have your ultimate good in mind."

Woah. So maybe Joey isn't my ultimate good?! Um, probably not. I mean... noncommital is precisely the OPPOSITE of marriage, don't ya think? And I want to meet the guy I not only FALL IN LOVE with... but marry, start a family... spend the rest of my life with. Maybe God is on to something. :)

Also, God reminded me that he is INDEED answering my prayers. If I remember correctly... I prayed, "Lord, will you please heal my broken heart." (This isn't Joeys doings... this goes back to the first man in my life.) And also, "Lord, I have been trying to do things my own way for so long. Please take my life and use to it according to your will."

Every day my Lord is healing my broken heart. The first book God led me to when I walked into Borders on a Sunday afternoon with no intentions except head to the Christian Inspiration section. He pointed out "Every Woman's Battle." My heart was healing page by page... knowing other women go through the same thing as me.... emotionally and sexually (sorry if reading that makes you blush) I was then urged to practice emotional and sexual integrity, which I am, without a doubt or hesitation.

Then God told me when I finished "Every Woman's Battle" to buy "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World"- my trainer back in Athens was reading it when she was training me, and God put that title back in my head years later... now.

Now I am learning how to have an intimate relationship with my Lord... not based on going and doing, being restless, not sitting still; works... which you know I am GREAT at, the whole restlessness... but being still, just worshiping Him. Listening to Him. Praying. Praising. Relaxing. Letting go of worry. Just having faith. Living in the Here and Now. One day at a time. Not worrying about the future. Because when we do all this it shows our God we do trust him with our life. With our tomorrows. We trust that he has our ultimate good in mind.

SO this is what I am trusting right now. That my car wreck I was involved in yesterday, and just found out minutes ago is totaled... that my car is worth enough to get another one that is reliable to drive. I'm nervous. But I am trusting in the Lord. For he says he will never leave or forsake us.